tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54450641960739760162024-03-08T13:38:20.852-06:00kin-caringDedicated to the millions of courageous kinship caregivers raising family members.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-15087704431290731082012-04-18T11:44:00.000-05:002012-04-18T11:44:13.282-05:00What? Where's the Blog?<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank you for coming to visit. I've moved the blog over to a new website called RaisingKin.com. Why?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The reason I made this move is because I wanted the ability to have pages with links to information for kinship caregivers. I also wanted to gain experience with website design, because my career is to develop curriculum and learning. It is helpful for me to learn how to build and maintain a website. If I don't use what I am learning, I will lose it. Not to mention it's already hard to remember anything - kidding, kidding. That's why God made trees - so we would have paper to write notes to remember everything.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Come see the website and bookmark it. The blogs will be there, under the "Blog" tab. Here's a link to make it quicker to find: <span id="sample-permalink"><a href="http://raisingkin.com/grandparent-raising-grandchildren/f-word" target="_blank">RaisingKin Blog</a></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hope to see you at the website!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Amy</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-2007367042269943712012-04-18T10:06:00.000-05:002012-04-18T10:06:43.336-05:00Kinship Care: The "F" Word<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Hey you all! </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I am back!!</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">This is my last week of
graduate school.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Hopefully by this time next week I will be 100%
done with all my school work.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I have missed being here, telling you my
stories of kinship care.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I want to thank you all for being patient with
me.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It was a
grind – but we did it!!!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I have been thinking a lot lately about the “F”
words – you know the ones, FAIR and FEAR. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Today I will talk about fair.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It does not seem fair that I take so much
responsibility for a child I love so much, but never imagined would be my
responsibility to raise, to keep safe, to handle all the hurts, the tears, and
the confusion he feels. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Granted, I do get the good stuff too – all the
hugs, the “I love you grandma” and just plain laughter.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I will tell you the truth that I believe many
kinship caregivers face – we get days when it is so incredibly difficult to not
feel very angry at the parents. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I have written about some of those
days.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">My third grandson was born in March.
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I was so
happy for my son and his wife.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Everything went perfect, with no
complications.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">My grandson and I drove to the hospital excited
to see our newest family member.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Of course, Murphy’s Law would
happen.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">The moment
I parked my car, my cell phone rang.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I saw the number and knew it was my
daughter.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Here’s the
dilemma – should I answer?</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">When she calls, it’s usually a request to drop
whatever I am doing and do something for her.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Out of respect for my son, I had not discussed
they were expecting a baby. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">She knew they were, but I just didn’t talk
about it with her.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It’s complicated – like most decisions are with
kinship care.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">My daughter asked to speak with her son and he
told his mom he was going to see his uncles’ baby. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">He was excited.
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">He gave the phone back to me.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">My daughter asked me to
take some photos with my phone and send her some pictures.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I told her I would not
because her brother would not appreciate that.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">She hissed back, “Well,
it’s only fair since I can’t see him”.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I think my brain exploded. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Fair! Did she really say
“fair”?</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I mean
seriously!</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I think every kinship caregiver who is raising
a relative because the parents are either addicts, alcoholics, or in jail –
which is the large majority of us – would all feel the same shock.
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It seems
like the last person to talk about fairness would be the parent.
</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I know drug and alcohol addiction makes it
impossible for her to see the truth. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">That’s how I coped with her statement – and
continue to always remind myself.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">She is sick – physically, mentally and
spiritually.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">She doesn’t understand because she is sick and
can’t understand.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It’s not fair. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Nobody said being a
kinship caregiver would be fair, feel fair, or look fair.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">In fact, it’s not
fair.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">That is the
reality of kinship care and we see the reality every time we look at our child
relative.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Let’s face it. </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Things weren’t fair when
we were a kid and whined to our parents, “it’s not fair!”.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Maybe that feeling of
injustice carries into adulthood.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">However, by now we have the sense to know that
even though something may not feel fair, it can still be the right thing to do.
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;"> </span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It’s time to get over the, “it’s not
fair!”</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">It’s all
good.</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">
</span><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">And I am
glad to be back.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri;" style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span data-mce-style="color: #000000;" style="color: black;">Just a reminder: please come visit me at my website - which is where I will be moving this blog to: <a href="http://www.raisingkin.com/">www.raisingkin.com</a>. </span></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-9497148305480473342012-03-16T16:19:00.000-05:002012-03-16T16:19:17.690-05:00Moved to Website<span style="font-size: large;">Hi everyone!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm getting this website/blog going, so please come see me at </span><a href="http://www.raisingkin.com/"><span style="font-size: large;">www.raisingkin.com</span></a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Please consider bookmarking the website and sharing it with all your social networks (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I am so grateful for my readers and I hope you will move along with me to this new site. I think we will have more fun at the webpage, can share ideas and resources we know about. Together we can raise awareness of kinship care and our needs - and victories! :)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My posts on this blog will be copied over, so the history will be at the website.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm excited to get this far!!! I hope you are, too.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I want to sing like Dora the Explorer, "We did it, we did it!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">See you there!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-86029812896002892912012-02-22T10:51:00.000-06:002012-02-22T10:51:03.092-06:00Kinship Care: It's All My Fault<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Kinship caregivers raise their relatives for many
reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents may have problems with
drugs or alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may not want to
parent their child(ren).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The parent(s)
may have died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The parent(s) might be
incarcerated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many reasons and
it’s important to understand that although my daughter is an addict who
neglected her son, not all relatives raising their relative are doing so
because of addictions.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">For those who <strong>are</strong> raising their relative because the
parent(s) are addicts or alcoholics, perhaps you will relate to this story.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My daughter is 26 years old and a meth addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tells me the reason she is a drug user is
because I was a bad mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has also
told me she resents how I raise her son – that I do a much better job raising
him than I did raising her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When she says I was a bad mother, there is a part of me that
really hurts. If I am completely honest, I was not a perfect parent. I made
mistakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her dad and I divorced when
she was four.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I moved a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she was seven I remarried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seven years later, another divorce and we
moved again. She did have a lot to deal with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Add to that her behavioral issues I worried about since she was just a
toddler.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those behaviors later led to
her diagnosis of bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety,
obsessive/compulsive disorder, and more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was not an easy child to parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We were also poor when I wasn’t married and a one-income
household. My daughter will claim that was a hardship for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until 2003, I never earned more than
$15,000/year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not believe being
poor made me a bad mother or caused my daughter to be an addict. Being poor did
make me see there had to be another way – a better way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I was 36 I set out to earn my bachelor’s degree by the
time I was 40.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2004, at age 40, I
earned my bachelor’s degree and my income rose to a livable level – the lower
end of middle-class status. I then set a goal to try to earn a master’s degree
by the time I would be 50.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today at age
48, I am two months away from earning my master’s degree.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I can’t go back in time and fix my mistakes parenting my
daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t get a “do over”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I agree with my daughter that I am doing a
better job parenting at age 48 than I did in my 20’s and 30’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we age, we get wiser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have experiences to draw upon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Isn't </span>that a good
thing?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My daughter has a disease called addiction and it is not my
fault or the direct result of my parenting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Addicts and alcoholics look for people to blame and my daughter is no
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She blames me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to remember what Alanon teaches me: I
didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">On the left sidebar of this blog there is a link to private online
support groups for kinship caregivers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
invite any kinship caregiver reading this to please consider joining these
private online support groups. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Without the help of my kinship support group friends, I
would continue to feel very isolated with my experiences as a kinship
caregiver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having an online group of
friends and their support has made a huge difference in my ability to handle
being a relative raising a relative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
groups are closed to the public so what you share will not appear on your
Facebook public page. You can also choose not to share anything and just read
the experiences other members share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
will see you are not alone. You will see, as I have, it is not our fault. Come join us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you don’t like it, you can always leave. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">To my readers of this blog, thank you for your support and
encouragement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do hope sharing these
stories give you strength and hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank you for being so courageous and parenting your relative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You did not look the other way when you saw a
child needed their family.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a good grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-3674582442228970922012-02-20T14:23:00.000-06:002012-02-20T14:23:03.724-06:00Kinship Caregiving: Sacrifices<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Families change in many ways when we raise relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some seem obvious, such as the financial
hardships that occur when we suddenly find ourselves raising a relative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some changes are not so obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I took responsibility for raising my
grandson in 2008, I owned a severe macaw bird and a cat.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">In 2009, I had to find a home for my bird.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was becoming loud and was biting my
grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After he bit my grandson a
second time, I knew my bird would have to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a devastating decision for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had owned my macaw for seven years and truly thought I would have him
until I die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Macaws can easily live 70
years or more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Another year went by and my grandson was three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was running around in our apartment, jumping,
falling, and making noises that toddlers make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had neighbors living below my apartment and above my apartment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although my neighbors never complained
openly, I worried about the noise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
knew we needed to move to a home where he could run and play like three-year
olds do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I found a side-by-side bungalow rental.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
rent was nearly the same and we would have a yard and a long driveway that
would be great for summertime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was
one drawback – the landlord didn’t allow pets and I had a cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once again, I had to find a home for my pet
so we could move to a place that was “kid-friendly”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I never thought raising a relative would mean losing my
pets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do what we need to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not the first relative who had to move
or make other difficult sacrifices in order to raise a relative.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">We have been living in our bungalow for over two years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still firmly believe a child should grow up
with a pet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe having a pet can
teach a child about responsibility, how to nurture, and can help kids express
feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really want to move so
we can have a pet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We like where we
live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I decided to give my landlord a call and ask if he would
reconsider his ‘no pet’ policy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured
the worst that could happen is he would tell me no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got up my courage, said a quick prayer, and
called him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him I have lived in
his property for nearly three years and I have been a good tenant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take care of his property and pay my rent.
I told him I felt it is important for children to grow up with a pet and I want
to give my grandson the same opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I asked him if we could have a cat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">To my surprise, he said yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was thrilled!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Last week we brought home “Butter”, an orange and white cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t seem to mind being half-carried,
half dragged around our house by a five-year old boy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As a kinship caregiver, I have made many sacrifices to raise
my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being able to have a pet again
feels like I am finally able to have a piece of my “old” life back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am one happy grandma raising my grandson (and a cat).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-19209985341903167452012-02-08T13:02:00.001-06:002012-03-17T14:35:56.222-05:00Kinship Caregiving: Keeping Relatives Safe<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I remember visiting my grandson and his mom (my daughter)
during the summer of 2008. My grandson was about 18 months old and they lived
almost 40 miles away from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not
see them often after my grandson was returned to his parents in September 2007.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter was angry with me and did not want
to see me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was angry her son was
placed with me the previous summer – as if I had something to do with the drug
raid resulting in her son being placed with me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I arrived at her apartment, it was dirty. There were dishes
piled up, crusted with dried food. The trash was spilling over on to the kitchen floor where my grandson
could walk in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Try not to judge" I thought to myself.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I wasn’t sure at the
time what was happening with my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought she was going through a hard time, having just left the father
of my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know she was already in
the life of drugs and addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I
did, then I guess I just didn’t want to see it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">During my visit, her neighbor came to her door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandson hurried to the door, trying to
push the door shut to prevent her from coming in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought it was strange behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I certainly got the impression he did not
want her coming in! I knew this woman would come over often, only because she
frequently answered the phone when I would call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I stayed for about two hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the visit, my grandson stayed by my
side or on my lap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">About five minutes after I left, my daughter called me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I answered the phone and could hear my
grandson screaming and crying uncontrollably in the background.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter was laughing, saying “See
grandma, he does want you!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her I
was driving and couldn’t talk and hung up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead of comforting my grandson, she was laughing! It was a strange call and unsettling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This memory haunts me today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It would be just a few months later that I would piece all
the clues together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter would
often leave my grandson with the neighbor lady all day and overnight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hadn’t paid her rent for several months
and was being evicted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would frequently
leave my grandson with his father, who would then call me looking for my
daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">During the next few months I made numerous calls to the
county social worker who worked with my daughter when my grandson
was removed from her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told the social
worker I suspected my daughter was using drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I told her I suspected she was neglecting him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also made reports to to
my daughter's probation officer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time I
would get the same answer – we don’t have enough evidence.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">During October of 2007, my daughter was hospitalized for a
bad infection in her hip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While she was
in the hospital I took her clothing home to wash them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Inside her bag of belongings, I found a meth
pipe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was shocked and wondered what to
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I did what I thought was right. I again called the social
worker and reported what I found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
called her probation officer and told him what I found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The social worker said she could not prove
the pipe was around my grandson so there was nothing she could do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The probation officer said he couldn’t prove
the pipe belonged to her since it was not found by the hospital staff – as if I
planted a meth pipe in her belongs!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I finally broke down into tears while talking to the social
worker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I begged her to please tell me
what could be done to protect my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was finally at this point she told me any adult can file an Order for
Protection on behalf of a minor if they are concerned about the safety of a
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How I wished I had known that
sooner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought Orders for Protection
were used only by adults needing protection.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I remember going to the county court house on October 31,
2008.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked the counter clerk for the
paperwork to file an Order for Protection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She gave me the forms and I sat on a bench in the courthouse hallway,
filling out the form and writing all the dates and details of everything I knew
occurred during the previous months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> My hands were shaking.
</span>Once finished, I handed the paperwork to the clerk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told me to have a seat in the hallway and
wait for my name to be called.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It was a stressful wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finally the clerk called my name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I went to the counter and she said, “The judge signed the form.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked her what that meant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She pointed to the box on the front of the
form indicating the judge agreed the child was in danger. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even
though I felt sure my grandson was in danger, I did not fully trust my
observations or intuition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I saw the judge’s
signature, I let out a deep breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
finally felt validated. I was not crazy. What I was seeing was not
good and the judge believed the same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I asked the clerk, “So, it’s okay for me to go get my
grandson?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have the legal right?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She simply replied, “Yes, ma’am”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I picked up the paperwork and walked out of the courthouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s when the tears started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally somebody was helping my
grandson!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally somebody believed
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As a kinship caregiver, I can tell you the “system” does not
always work like we think it should or even would. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so naïve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned how tricky it can be to prove a child
is in danger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when I found the drug
pipe, thinking certainly anybody would agree that cannot be a good thing – the
legal system (probation officer) and human health services (social worker)
could not help my grandson.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">From this experience I can tell you that it is very important
to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>keep good notes</u></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write down the dates of everything you
witness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write down who you talked to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write it all down because there may come a
day when those notes will make a big difference. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having my notes was so important when I
requested the Order for Protection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had the dates of every report I ever made and who I spoke with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I think back on that phone call when my grandson was
crying so uncontrollably, it still brings tears to my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope to never hear him cry like that again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good today.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-75038642158650775702012-02-04T07:45:00.000-06:002012-02-04T14:25:02.467-06:00Kinship Caring: Being a Grandma and Expectations<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am going to be a grandma again on March 7<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son and his wife are expecting their first
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so excited!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am also nervous.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am nervous because I wonder if I will know how to be “just”
a grandma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been raising my
grandson for over three years now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
his caregiver for nearly four months during his first year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I know how to be a “love them and leave
them” grandparent?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will I have the time
and energy for my new grandbaby while I raise my grandson? What is “enough
time” anyway? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I also wonder how being a “real” grandma will impact my
grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I spoil my new grandchild,
will my grandson be jealous?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will my
grandson wish he had a “real” grandma?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Family dynamics change when we become a kinship
caregiver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roles change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">In July 2010 my daughter was arrested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While in jail she found out she was pregnant
with her second child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The court granted
a furlough to in-patient treatment instead of jail time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am grateful she was able to stay sober
until the birth of my second grandson on January 9, 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My daughter made an open adoption plan for the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She found a wonderful couple who lives
nearby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I envisioned I would be involved
in my newest grandson’s life as his grandparent. His adopting parents have been
so gracious and welcoming. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have not done a good job of being a grandma to my second
grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not long after he was born, my
daughter left one weekend and never came back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had to hurry and find a fulltime daycare for him and take him out of
Head Start (a preschool) so I could continue working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was back in the “reacting to life” mode of
living.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">In hindsight, I think I had so much to deal with that I
could not think about this new grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I did, I would cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Add to
that, my grandson struggled with why his mom was suddenly gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This time, he was old enough to miss her after
spending six months knowing his mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
experienced behavioral setbacks, following me around to each room of our small
bungalow, suddenly having to sleep with me every night – something he never did
before.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The stress of the situation created a flare-up of my
rheumatoid arthritis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The entire summer
of 2011 was filled with daily chronic pain, various physical therapy sessions,
doctor appointments, new medications and resulting side-effects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was such a struggle to get through each
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The next thing I knew, it was fall and ten months had flown
by since my second grandson was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">During the past three months I have gone to visit my new
grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Visiting him creates difficult
feelings for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I don’t
know him very well and it troubles me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am not sure if what I feel is because I did not see him very much the first
year or if it is because it is difficult to visit him and not think about my
daughter. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did I miss the “bonding”
window of time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there a bonding
window of time for grandparents?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">So I wonder: do I know how to be a grandparent? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think the answer is that I can be if I let go of my
expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">With the fellowship I am a member of I have learned
something about myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tend to either
have expectations of how I think other people “should” be or I have
expectations of how I should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither
one is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot live in the moments
of life with joy if I have expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If an expectation is not met, it can lead to feelings of resentment for
me, which is really not a good place for me to live in.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I looked up the word ‘expectations’ and learned it is a
strong belief that something will happen <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">in
the future</b>. It also means a belief that someone <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">should</b> achieve something. Both of these definitions make living in
the present nearly impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would
be wise to check my expectations at the door and just live in the moment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I am willing to do that, odds are good I
will do just fine being “just” a grandma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am also
a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all
good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-173174079297803982012-01-31T11:29:00.000-06:002012-01-31T11:29:35.606-06:00Kinship Care Challenges: Looking Back<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Remember the book titled “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What to Expect When You’re Expecting”</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish there was a book like that for kinship
caregivers. Raising my grandson is not the same as raising my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">As a grandparent raising my grandson, there are more responsibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many grandparents/relatives inherit a lot of
parenting challenges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The child(ren) may
be experiencing depression, anxiety, health problems, behavior problems, school
difficulties, aggression, and feelings of anger, rejection, and guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Parenting any child with emotional or behavior issues is
hard enough for any parent, but as a grandparent raising my grandson, it’s more
difficult because there are so many other stressors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are legal and financial problems,
dealing with difficult feelings about the parent(s), handling grief, isolation,
emotional stress and possibly health concerns because we are older. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Looking back, I received a crash-course in the following: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Child protection laws<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Filing an Order for Protection <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Applying for state/government assistance –
financial, food stamps, medical assistance<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finding and paying for daycare so I could keep
working<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Determining if I could handle working fulltime
plus raise my grandson<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Understanding foster care vs. no foster care and
which was best in my situation<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Applying for social security disability for my
grandson<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Learning about special education for my grandson’s
developmental delays<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Understanding his needs as a child who
experienced neglect<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finding professional counseling <o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Locating support groups specifically for kinship
caregivers<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Locating an attorney knowledgeable of kinship
care<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shifting from a grandparent role to a parent
role<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Handling difficult emotions, such a grieving,
anger, and resentment<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dealing with my daughter who is an addict<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dealing with my grandson’s father and his
unwillingness to do what is necessary to raise his son<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Filing police reports against my daughter when
she violated the Order for Protection<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I look at this list, I can see why the first three
years were so difficult for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
a lot to work through, and too often we feel as if we are trying to handle all
these questions and issues alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt
as if I were climbing a huge mountain, with no end in sight.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">What helped me was to remember the reason I am raising my
grandson:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love him. Coming back to
that fact helped me to keep going. He is my family, no less important than my
own children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not want strangers
raising him, or that he would ever think his family did not care enough about
him to help him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is worth every
single challenge.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">If you are a kinship caregiver, don’t give up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things do settle down with time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-41038916479236096782012-01-28T16:15:00.000-06:002012-01-28T16:15:21.356-06:00Kinship Caring: Missing Mom Moments<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Being a kinship caregiver has some heartbreaking moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s always a dilemma for me to figure out
the best way to comfort my grandson when he misses his mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank God for other kinship caregivers who
share their wisdom and stories.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This past week, my grandson heard me talking on the phone with
his grandfather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the phone call
ended, I looked at him and could see he was troubled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked me what we were talking about.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I told him that his grandpa called because he was worried
about his mom and wanted to know if we had heard from her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">“Grandma, can I say a bad word?” he asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to know what his five-year old mind
was thinking about, so I said, “Yes, you can say a bad word this one time”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">His voice got soft and quiet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He whispered, “This is not nice, but I have to
say it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate mom.” And then he put his
head in my chest, as if to cover his face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I held him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he said, “I love
my mom”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I told my grandson, “You know what? Sometimes I miss your
mom so much. Sometimes I am so angry with your mom because I want her to come
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love you, buddy. We just miss
your mom.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">He stayed in my arms for a few minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t need to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We just sat in the kitchen, hugging each
other and missing mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then it was time to color pictures and be five.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is not easy to have these conversations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It breaks my heart to see him hurting. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I know it is not good to stay focused on what is wrong in
life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I do that, I feel angry and
bitter which doesn’t solve anything or make anything any easier. I miss out on life’s
good stuff if I stay angry and bitter. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I look for the good, I can find it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I look for bad, I can find it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to look for the good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was able to help my grandson when he was
sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a good thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" /><span style="font-size: large;">
</span></span><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-90718573486140400892012-01-23T15:12:00.001-06:002012-01-25T12:56:29.340-06:00Kinship Caring: A Safety Net<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Custodial grandparents provide a safey net for our grandchildren when the parent(s) are not involved with their child(ren). We know their parents. I think it helps our grandchildren that we do know the parents. As grandparents, we can give our granchildren love, security, stability and patience perhaps more than a foster home can. Researchers Hayslip & Kaminski (2005) made the same observation.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I do feel I am a "safety net" for my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am my grandson’s link to knowing his
mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based only on my life experiences,
it seems no matter how “bad” a parent is, most kids are still going to hold
their mom and dad in high esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
grandson is too little to understand drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, he does understand that his family loves him and that families
can be made in all kinds of ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The holidays went by without his mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not even a phone call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t talk about his mom being gone over
the holidays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t until after
Christmas was over and the tree was down that he mentioned her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What he said was so sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Grandma, my mom doesn’t want to see me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My heart ached for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What could I say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I tried to tell him (again) that when people take drugs,
they forget about their family because that is what drugs do. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This time I added, “I know your mom does miss you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know your mom loves you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, your mom knew she might not be able
to take care of you and that’s why you live with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She picked me to take care of you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you were just a baby your mom called ME to
come get you because she wanted you to be with her mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knew I would love you and she wants me to
love you while she is gone.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">He thought about that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">“You are my mom?” he asked, trying to follow along with his
little five-year old reasoning.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">“Well, I am your mom’s mom and I am sort of your mom because
I am your GRAND mom.” I replied.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The conversation then shifted to more serious topics, like
is Spider Man stronger than the Hulk?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I know this conversation will come up again – maybe soon,
maybe not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it will come up again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am the safety net for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s what kinship caregivers do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We fill that void of the missing parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We make sure they know they have family who loves them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many will, like me, try to let their child relative
know that although they are not with the parent(s), they are with family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that is important. I also believe
that is why we do what we do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
no financial incentive to be the safety net.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, most kinship caregivers take a huge financial setback to raise
their relative(s).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we are family and
families are made in all kinds of ways.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Reference:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hayslip Jr., B. & Kaminski, P. L. (2005). Grandparents
raising their grandchildren: A review of the literature and suggestions for
practice. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Gerontologist, (45)</i>2,
pp. 262-269.<o:p></o:p></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-3734947359253407702012-01-20T20:31:00.000-06:002012-01-20T20:31:01.417-06:00Grieving and Kinship Caregiving<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">So often during the past four years I felt angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry with my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry with my grandson’s father. I was
angry with the other grandparents and relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry with my friends. I was angry with
the government.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry with the
court system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry with the
police. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">At least I thought I was.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">On January 2, 2007 my best friend died from cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was with her when she died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one of the saddest moments of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day I missed her for at least two solid
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Every single day</u> I thought
about her and my heart would ache. She was only 42 years old.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">At some point, I stopped thinking about her every single
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some point, the heaviness in my
heart lightened. I don’t know what day that happened, but it did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sadness eased up and eventually left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today when I think of my friend, I don’t feel
that deep, aching sadness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Grieving the death of my friend is how it felt becoming a
kinship caregiver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grieving is feeling
the brokenness in our heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grieving is
caused by feeling a loss. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>In the
beginning, I was a broken-hearted kinship caregiver, trying to provide care,
when my heart was broken. Certainly
there were things to feel angry about, but in hindsight, I believe I was
grieving more than I was angry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I lost my daughter to meth addiction. Sure, she is alive,
but she is gone. I cannot tell you where she is today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has no known phone number to call
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has no known address.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is homeless and that is so sad to me. I
love her and I miss her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is my
loss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was grieving because my grandson had so many delays in his
development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His pediatrician states
they are likely due to neglect. He needed weekly therapies for speech, fine
motor skills and gross motor skills. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That makes me sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is my loss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was grieving my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought I was done raising kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had earned my bachelor’s degree at age 40, was starting an actual “career”
instead of a “job”, and was making plans and having goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, plans changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dreams for my career had to be revised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is my loss.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">For me it is important to remember pain and loss are a part
of everyone’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more alone or
unique I think I am with my pain and loss, the longer I stay stuck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The best thing I did was reach out for support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is important to know there are other
kinship caregivers who have experienced many of the same feelings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have walked this difficult path, know the
challenges, the losses, and are living in the sunlight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, there is sunlight after the initial darkness. They give me hope and strength.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">If you are grieving, give yourself time, and know that you
will come through this. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will laugh
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very likely, it will be that very
person you are caring for who will put the smile on your face and laughter in
your heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-81353322849258847472012-01-18T11:23:00.000-06:002012-01-20T18:11:20.063-06:00Shame, shame, shame<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes I feel ashamed I am raising my grandson. After
all, there is that saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ouch.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes I think it’s my “fault” that my daughter is an
addict and not raising her son.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Maybe I didn’t do enough or did too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I should have tried harder or prayed
more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe, because I had my own issues
to deal with in life, I created her problems. All the maybe’s……<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was not a fabulous parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I sure wasn’t Betty Crocker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
I did not neglect my children, never provide for them or ever stop loving them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also know when it comes to <u>trying</u> to
be a good parent, I did do my best with what I knew how to do at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">When my daughter was just a toddler I knew there was
something not quite right with her behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t know what that something was, but I tried my hardest to figure
it out and get her help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time she
was five years old, I was driving two hours away for her to see a child
psychologist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t help.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This was back in the late 80’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therapists were not diagnosing kids with ADD,
ADHD, oppositional defiance, or obsessive/compulsive behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, by the time she was into her “tweens”,
she was diagnosed (labeled) with all of these, plus depressed, anxious,
bipolar, borderline personality disorder and more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time she was 18 she qualified for government
disability payments. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">By the time she was 18, she was already an addict.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My daughter has an addiction – not a parenting problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alanon has a saying that I tell myself
often:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t cause it, can’t control
it, and can’t cure it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I have to
replay that statement over and over in my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Shakespeare suggested, “There is nothing either good or bad
but thinking makes it so.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I practice
watching my thoughts and choose to focus on what is right rather than what is
wrong. When I get down, I get a piece of paper and write out what I
am grateful for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This action of purposeful
redirection of my thoughts helps me. It only takes only a couple minutes to jot down
a list. Making a list stops my anxieties from getting the best of me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Today I am not concerned if “the apple doesn’t fall far from
the tree”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a good tree!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a grandma raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-70119022623356009322012-01-16T10:24:00.000-06:002012-01-16T10:33:42.203-06:00Boundaries with Family<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Today the topic is boundaries. I have not always had very
good boundaries throughout my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have to make very conscious efforts to have boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My first reaction is to always want to defend
myself in retaliation to hurtful words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I get busy trying to make my point or defend myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never occurred to me there are other
options – like having boundaries.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">My daughter posted a photo of herself yesterday on
Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has lost a lot of weight
and hair – side effects of meth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I saw the picture and I saw all the “likes” people were
giving the photo. How do people give a “thumbs up” to people who are killing
themselves from drug use, who have lost their families to their drug addiction?
</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">One “friend” on her Facebook page commented she didn’t look
so good. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I agreed, so I entered a comment
that she doesn’t look good, gave the number for Teen Challenge – a treatment
center – and wrote I hope she will call them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In response, she replied, “Can’t you ever say anything nice?” and added several hurtful,
spiteful comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words were vulgar
and included profanity. I guess she really wanted to make a point.....</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Quite suddenly I realized I don’t have to take this! I
did something I <em>never</em> would have thought to do in the past. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I unsubscribed from her on Facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Oh that was hard!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Following my daughter on Facebook has been my only method to know she is
even alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I finally have enough
sense to know I don’t need to be called names by anyone – including my daughter.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is the sad truth of raising a relative whose parent(s)
are lost in drug addiction. We hope for the best, we say prayers for their
wellbeing. We worry. In the end, it’s out of our control. I can focus
on what is possible – to take good care of her son and my grandson, raise him with love, and
do my best to help hep him know the good things about his mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter is not all bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is very sick, caught up in meth addiction.
It is not her we don't like or get angry with. It's meth.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">A mentor once told me the more I try to “help”, the
more I am telling my God that I don’t trust He will care for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not my job to be her “Higher Power”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking about that has helped me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s in God’s hands, not mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knows the big picture, not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will keep her safe or bring her home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meanwhile, I will stay focused and what I can
do – love the family and friends who are here.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-83199500021058562792012-01-15T06:54:00.001-06:002012-01-15T14:24:31.705-06:00Accepting the Seemingly Unacceptable<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">In a fellowship I belong to, there is a saying “acceptance
is key to everything”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The longer we
fight accepting something, the longer we stay stuck or miserable. I find it is
so hard to accept things I just don’t want to accept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The past three years were very difficult
raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not or
would not accept the situation was not a temporary situation.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I thought when I got my grandson surely it would be my
daughter’s “bottom” and she would go to treatment, get well and he would go
back to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s what a “good” parent
does, right? It didn’t happen.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I next thought that surely his dad would raise him since he
has been actively “involved” with his son since I got him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That didn’t happen and he doesn’t want to
fulltime parent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A year ago I finally went to see a counselor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has been a big help, guiding me through
my feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have finally come to true
acceptance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a permanent “parent”
and will be raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is good to come to peace with this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know why it took three years to get here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose in my selfishness, I wanted MY life
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to deal with
developmental delays, occupational therapies, speech therapies, physical
therapies, high daycare bills, doctor appointments, meltdowns, bedtimes, potty
training.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt like I was going
backwards with my life instead of forward.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally I am at peace with the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can let myself enjoy the moments, instead
of waiting for the moments to end and have my life back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laugh again more instead of cry.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">One thing my counselor told me is that it will get easier as
my grandson gets older.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that he is five, can talk in
a way I can understand, it is easier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes he regresses in his behavior, like after his mom left
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, when he does, I know it’s
just a temporary situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
finally truly enjoy him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, he still
has delays in his development, but he has come so far.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">How nice it feels to accept what I thought I would never be
able to accept – I am raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am one of over two million other relatives raising a relative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are so brave and courageous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are loyal to our families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel good about that now, and at
peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally.</span></span><br />
</div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Acceptance is key to everything.</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><strong> </strong> </span>Acceptance is not saying you like something,
agree with something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is just saying
I am okay with this.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it takes a family to raise a
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am grateful today for my
family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am a grandparent raising my grandson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-14201354342501343312012-01-14T14:56:00.000-06:002012-01-14T14:56:13.448-06:00Books For Our KidsHere are some books that may be helpful for our kids. I do not claim to have read them, but some of them sound very good. See what you think. Check if your library has them or try Amazon.<br />
<br />
Author: Martha Whitmore Hickman<br />
Title: Robert Lives With His Grandparents: A Concept Book<br />
Ages: 4 - 8<br />
Date: 1995<br />
Robert’s parents are divorced, and he lives with his grandparents. When his grandmother decides to attend Parent’s Day at his school, he is afraid of what the other kids will think of him. <br />
<br />
Author: Jeanne Warren Lindsay<br />
Title: Do I Have a Daddy?<br />
Ages: 4 – 8<br />
Date: 1991<br />
A read aloud book to help caregivers respond to children’s questions about a parent they have never seen. <br />
<br />
Author: Tololwa Mollel<br />
Title: Kele’s Secret<br />
Ages: Elementary School – picture book<br />
Date: 1997<br />
A young African boy who lives with his grandparents on their coffee farm follows their hen in order to find out where she is hiding her eggs. <br />
<br />
Author: Cindy Klein Cohen and John T. Heiney<br />
Title: Daddy’s Promise<br />
Ages: 4 – 8<br />
Date: 1997<br />
Addresses all the different feelings children may have as they grieve a loved one. (Available through bookstores or amazon.com) <br />
<br />
<br />
Author: Brigitte Weninger<br />
Title: Good-Bye Daddy!<br />
Ages: 4 – 9<br />
Date: 1995<br />
After spending the day with his daddy, a young bear is sad and angry that his father has to leave. The bear comes to learn that even when a father lives in another home, the love and caring never go away.<br />
<br />
Author: Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown<br />
Title: Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families<br />
Ages: 5 – 10<br />
Date: 1986<br />
Dinosaur characters depict the range of experiences and feelings encountered by children of divorced parents.<br />
<br />
Author: Elizabeth Weitzman<br />
Title: Let’s Talk About When A Parent Dies<br />
Ages: 5 - 9<br />
Date: 1996<br />
Gives advice on surviving the death of a parent and suggests what feelings and behaviors to expect from others.<br />
<br />
Author: Jill Krementz<br />
Title: How It Feels When a Parent Dies<br />
Ages: 8 – 13 <br />
Date: 1981<br />
Children, ages seven through sixteen, tell how it feels to lose a parent through death.<br />
<br />
Author: Maureen K. Wittbold<br />
Title: Let’s talk About When a Parent is in Jail<br />
Ages: Early Elementary<br />
Date: 1997<br />
Discusses why jail exits, why people go to jail and how to deal with a person in jail.<br />
<br />
Author: Jill Hastings and Marion Typpo<br />
Title: An Elephant in the Living Room: the Children’s <br />
Book and An Elephant in the Living Room: a <br />
Leader’s Guide for Helping Children of Alcoholics<br />
Ages: 4 – 8 and their caregivers<br />
Date: 1994<br />
These books help children from alcoholic homes learn about addiction and teach new ways to handle their feelings. <br />
<br />
<br />
Author: Ruth White<br />
Title: Belle Prater’s Boy<br />
Ages: Young Adult - fiction<br />
Date: 1996<br />
When Woodrow’s mother disappears suddenly, he moves to his grandparent’s home in a small Virginia town. He befriends his cousin and together they find the strength to face the terrible losses and fears in their lives.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-56514343825670606212012-01-13T13:49:00.001-06:002012-01-13T14:05:39.771-06:00Depression and kinship caringAs I read research about the health and wellbeing of kinship caregivers, I learn there is an increase in health problems that are seemingly related to caring for our relative. Although I do have bouts with depression, I would not tie the problem exclusively to being a kinship caregiver. I wonder how researchers make that leap.<br />
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When a relative takes on the “parenting” role for a relative, there typically is a traumatic life event that has happened – for both the child(ren) and the relative caregiver. The first time my grandson was placed with me, it was because a drug raid took place at his parents’ home. I received a call from my daughter asking me to take her son or he would go to foster care. I had less than a minute to make this decision! And that is a big decision to make. I was trying to process what she was telling me – the police were at her home, they were looking for drugs, she was going to jail, and a social worker was taking her son! That is a lot of information to take in!<br />
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I quickly agreed to take my grandson, but I had no idea at that time what that decision would mean.<br />
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Was I depressed? Of course I was! My daughter was arrested, my grandson was with me on a fulltime basis, and there were many uncertainties to figure out. How would I continue working fulltime in a job I just started three weeks before the phone call? How would I afford to buy formula, diapers, and clothing? Where would I get help to pay daycare that was over $200 per week for an “infant”? Who would help? Would I qualify for any help?<br />
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My point is, dramatic life events such as this one are bound to impact the emotional well-being of anyone! Was my depression or sadness from caring for my grandson or was it due to trying to process everything that was happening and making very big adjustments to my day-to-day life as I knew it? I think it is both and tying my depression exclusively to raising my grandson is not a true statement.<br />
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I also have to wonder how the age of the kinship caregiver plays into the health issues. Wouldn’t it make sense that going through such a traumatic event would make any current health issue flare up? I know when I am feeling a lot of stress my rheumatoid arthritis flares up significantly. If a kinship caregiver is older and has health issues related to the normal aging process, wouldn’t they flare up? <br />
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I suppose there is truth stating our health suffers, but it seems a bit misleading. Older people generally do have aging health concerns. Stress can make them flare up. Is the source of the stress raising a child or is it grieving the loss of the parent. After all, it is not only the child who lost a parent, but in my case, I lost my daughter to drug addiction and honestly, I miss her too.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-5555957426607605572011-06-26T09:42:00.000-05:002012-02-04T15:37:47.462-06:00Kinship Care ChallengesI have joined a private group on Facebook of other kinship caregivers. Most are in the United Kingdom, but the stories are all the same – the struggles, heartbreaks, and joys of raising a relative. This has been the most beautiful thing that has happened to me since I took on the responsibility of my grandson on October 31, 2008. I have enjoyed hearing the stories of others who are going through the same things I have gone through. Although the legal system is different in the UK, we still struggle. The support I have felt is indescribable. <br />
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What kinds of things do we go through? Well, here’s a list:<br />
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1. Relatives end up raising a relative for a variety of reasons, but by far is the child(ren) has been neglected and the relative stepped in.<br />
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2. The parents continue to harass the caregiver by calling, threatening, taking the child(ren) because we have not gained a legal right to have the child (yet) but the parent(s) won’t do that and if they do, they neglect the child(ren).<br />
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3. Parents drop the child(ren) off, leave for days/weeks, and then return and want to parent.<br />
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4. Children have emotional issues from all the confusion and can have behavior problems as a result.<br />
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5. The legal system in the UK and US both do not provide financial help for relative caregivers to the extent that is needed. For instance, in Minnesota, if you become a foster parent to a relative because the child was removed from the parents, you are entitled to much more financial assistance. Yet, the “system” wants to provide permanency for the child(ren), which is great, so they will try to terminate the rights of the parent(s) and give the relative custody rights. However, when that happens, we are not told the financial implications of this change. We lose all of the financial assistance, which is desperately needed – especially by relatives who are retired and living on retirement income alone.<br />
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6. Parents are in jail, and we wonder whether to bring the children to visit or whether that would be detrimental.<br />
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7. The number of times relatives have to file neglect/abuse reports only to have the system investigate and not have enough “evidence” to remove the child.<br />
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8. Having to turn our children in to the authorities.<br />
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9. Having to help our little ones understand what the heck is going on.<br />
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10. Usually children are ages 1-5 or teenagers when they come to live with a relative. Both ages are tiring for a relative to raise, as we are older and tire more quickly.<br />
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11. Our work life is impacted by taking on the care of a relative. Some of us lose our jobs because we can’t afford daycare. <br />
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12. Our health is impacted by the ongoing stress of the situation.<br />
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13. Many lose their retirement savings, if they have one.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-79455193086792899472011-03-19T18:49:00.000-05:002012-02-04T15:36:40.421-06:00Here We Go AgainMy daughter completed in patient treatment and a halfway house. She was discharged December 22, 2010 and came to live with me and her son. We spent six months – glorious months where she was sober and seemed to really “get it” – how to live sober.<br />
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My daughter was pregnant and she made an open adoption plan with a really great family who lives not far from me. My second grandson was born January 9, 2011. I was there for his birth. <br />
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Once my new grandson was born, my daughter started “going out” on the weekends when her son was at his father’s for the weekend. She said, “hey, I am here all week, taking care of him, getting him on the Head Start bus, making meals for him, and doing all the mom things. But on the weekend I want to be with my friends and be 25.”<br />
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Then the lying started about what she was doing on the weekends. That's when I suspected she was using again. When lyikng starts, trouble follows. I started looking for a daycare anticipating something bad coming. I know I cannot make my work schedule accommodate the Head Start bus pickup and drop off and their strict rules of ONLY picking my grandson up from our home – not even a daycare. I started interviewing licensed daycares. <br />
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On Monday, February 28, 2011 my daughter did not come home. She was to watch my grandson on the following day because there is no school on Tuesday’s for him. She text me at 7:30 pm saying she was on her way home. She didn’t come home. She didn't call. I tried calling her at 9:30 pm and she had turned her phone off. I called the daycare home I had just interviewed that night and asked if my grandson could start coming the next day.<br />
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God is good in bringing us to the right daycare home. This is my grandson’s first time/experience with daycare. He has always been in an early-learning care center, requiring the many therapies. I felt it is time for him to just be a kid and take a break from all the intense schooling he has attended the past two years. <br />
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So, that’s a brief update.<br />
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What I want to say is how angry and hurt and sad I feel. My daughter has completely devastated her son by once again disappearing. Only this time, he actually remembers his mom and misses her. The previous two years, he didn’t know of having a relationship with her. He is so frightened and anxious and sad. He follows me from room to room – including the bathroom. Although he has never had to sleep with me the past two years, he will not sleep in his room anymore and wants to sleep with me. I’ve been allowing that, understanding he has regressed in his behavior. He is back to having “meltdowns” frequently throughout the day. <br />
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I am so angry at how my daughter has hurt her son – all for drugs, and to be “25”. I am 47 and I have certain things I want to do at my age and they did not include being a fulltime parent to my grandson. Yet, I would not want him being cared for by anyone else.<br />
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I am in graduate school. This is my fourth attempt at getting my masters. I completed 10 credits and then my mom got sick with cancer and was dying so I had to drop out. The second attempt the county removed my grandson from his parents due to a drug raid in their home and he was suddenly placed in my care when he was 7 months old. The third time I learned my daughter was neglecting my grandson and I filed the order for protection on his behalf and once again dropped out because of suddenly becoming a parent to a child with significant developmental delays. I am nearly finished with my first course and I feel like, damn-it, when is it going to be MY turn to have my life?<br />
I will not drop out again. My grandson is old enough and I he is gone on the weekends with his father so I am determined to complete my degree. I will not give up.<br />
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I just want to say (again) how frustrated and hurt I feel. I watch Oprah’s network show with the women behind the prison bars and feel like – yep, my daughter will either be there or six feet under. I feel like I need to harden my heart and keep her away. I don’t want to even hope anymore for her recovery. I feel I went out of my way for her the past six months – believing in her, when in fact she was sober because it kept her out of jail (treatment was a jail furlough) and because she was pregnant. Now that the baby is born, it’s “party time” and I feel like she has said “screw you Mom” and also says the same thing to her son.<br />
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I am very hurt and very angry and very sad. I know this will pass, but I don’t think my daughter will ever comprehend the amount of hurt and pain she created by walking out on her family – again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5445064196073976016.post-73457420275159556892010-03-31T10:45:00.000-05:002012-02-04T15:32:31.912-06:00Kin-Caring IntroductionUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0