Kinship Care: It's All My Fault

Kinship caregivers raise their relatives for many reasons.  Parents may have problems with drugs or alcohol.  They may not want to parent their child(ren).  The parent(s) may have died.  The parent(s) might be incarcerated.  There are many reasons and it’s important to understand that although my daughter is an addict who neglected her son, not all relatives raising their relative are doing so because of addictions.

For those who are raising their relative because the parent(s) are addicts or alcoholics, perhaps you will relate to this story.

My daughter is 26 years old and a meth addict.  She tells me the reason she is a drug user is because I was a bad mother.  She has also told me she resents how I raise her son – that I do a much better job raising him than I did raising her.    

When she says I was a bad mother, there is a part of me that really hurts. If I am completely honest, I was not a perfect parent. I made mistakes.  Her dad and I divorced when she was four.  I moved a lot.  When she was seven I remarried.  Seven years later, another divorce and we moved again. She did have a lot to deal with.  Add to that her behavioral issues I worried about since she was just a toddler.  Those behaviors later led to her diagnosis of bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, obsessive/compulsive disorder, and more.  She was not an easy child to parent.

We were also poor when I wasn’t married and a one-income household. My daughter will claim that was a hardship for her.  Until 2003, I never earned more than $15,000/year.  I do not believe being poor made me a bad mother or caused my daughter to be an addict. Being poor did make me see there had to be another way – a better way.

When I was 36 I set out to earn my bachelor’s degree by the time I was 40.  In 2004, at age 40, I earned my bachelor’s degree and my income rose to a livable level – the lower end of middle-class status. I then set a goal to try to earn a master’s degree by the time I would be 50.  Today at age 48, I am two months away from earning my master’s degree.

I can’t go back in time and fix my mistakes parenting my daughter.  I don’t get a “do over”.  I agree with my daughter that I am doing a better job parenting at age 48 than I did in my 20’s and 30’s.  As we age, we get wiser.  We have experiences to draw upon.  Isn't that a good thing?

My daughter has a disease called addiction and it is not my fault or the direct result of my parenting.  Addicts and alcoholics look for people to blame and my daughter is no different.  She blames me.  I have to remember what Alanon teaches me: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. 

On the left sidebar of this blog there is a link to private online support groups for kinship caregivers.  I invite any kinship caregiver reading this to please consider joining these private online support groups.

Without the help of my kinship support group friends, I would continue to feel very isolated with my experiences as a kinship caregiver.  Having an online group of friends and their support has made a huge difference in my ability to handle being a relative raising a relative.  The groups are closed to the public so what you share will not appear on your Facebook public page. You can also choose not to share anything and just read the experiences other members share.  You will see you are not alone. You will see, as I have, it is not our fault. Come join us.  If you don’t like it, you can always leave.

To my readers of this blog, thank you for your support and encouragement.  I do hope sharing these stories give you strength and hope.  Thank you for being so courageous and parenting your relative.  You did not look the other way when you saw a child needed their family.

I am a good grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Kinship Caregiving: Sacrifices

Families change in many ways when we raise relatives.  Some seem obvious, such as the financial hardships that occur when we suddenly find ourselves raising a relative.  Some changes are not so obvious.  When I took responsibility for raising my grandson in 2008, I owned a severe macaw bird and a cat.

In 2009, I had to find a home for my bird.  He was becoming loud and was biting my grandson.  After he bit my grandson a second time, I knew my bird would have to go.  It was a devastating decision for me.  I had owned my macaw for seven years and truly thought I would have him until I die.  Macaws can easily live 70 years or more.    

Another year went by and my grandson was three.  He was running around in our apartment, jumping, falling, and making noises that toddlers make.  I had neighbors living below my apartment and above my apartment.  Although my neighbors never complained openly, I worried about the noise.  I knew we needed to move to a home where he could run and play like three-year olds do. 

I found a side-by-side bungalow rental.   The rent was nearly the same and we would have a yard and a long driveway that would be great for summertime.  There was one drawback – the landlord didn’t allow pets and I had a cat.  Once again, I had to find a home for my pet so we could move to a place that was “kid-friendly”.

I never thought raising a relative would mean losing my pets.  We do what we need to do.  I am not the first relative who had to move or make other difficult sacrifices in order to raise a relative.

We have been living in our bungalow for over two years.  I still firmly believe a child should grow up with a pet.  I believe having a pet can teach a child about responsibility, how to nurture, and can help kids express feelings.  I don’t really want to move so we can have a pet.  We like where we live. 

I decided to give my landlord a call and ask if he would reconsider his ‘no pet’ policy.  I figured the worst that could happen is he would tell me no.  I got up my courage, said a quick prayer, and called him.  I told him I have lived in his property for nearly three years and I have been a good tenant.  I take care of his property and pay my rent. I told him I felt it is important for children to grow up with a pet and I want to give my grandson the same opportunity.  I asked him if we could have a cat.

To my surprise, he said yes!  I was thrilled! 

Last week we brought home “Butter”, an orange and white cat.  He doesn’t seem to mind being half-carried, half dragged around our house by a five-year old boy! 

As a kinship caregiver, I have made many sacrifices to raise my grandson.  Being able to have a pet again feels like I am finally able to have a piece of my “old” life back. 

I am one happy grandma raising my grandson (and a cat).  It’s all good.