Kinship Caring: A Safety Net

Custodial grandparents provide a safey net for our grandchildren when the parent(s) are not involved with their child(ren). We know their parents. I think it helps our grandchildren that we do know the parents.  As grandparents, we can give our granchildren love, security, stability and patience perhaps more than a foster home can.  Researchers Hayslip & Kaminski (2005) made the same observation.

I do feel I am a "safety net" for my grandson.  I am my grandson’s link to knowing his mom.  Based only on my life experiences, it seems no matter how “bad” a parent is, most kids are still going to hold their mom and dad in high esteem.  My grandson is too little to understand drugs.  However, he does understand that his family loves him and that families can be made in all kinds of ways. 

The holidays went by without his mom.  Not even a phone call.  He didn’t talk about his mom being gone over the holidays.  It wasn’t until after Christmas was over and the tree was down that he mentioned her.  What he said was so sad.  “Grandma, my mom doesn’t want to see me.”

My heart ached for him.  What could I say? 

I tried to tell him (again) that when people take drugs, they forget about their family because that is what drugs do.

This time I added, “I know your mom does miss you.  I know your mom loves you.  In fact, your mom knew she might not be able to take care of you and that’s why you live with me.  She picked me to take care of you!  When you were just a baby your mom called ME to come get you because she wanted you to be with her mom.  She knew I would love you and she wants me to love you while she is gone.”

He thought about that.

“You are my mom?” he asked, trying to follow along with his little five-year old reasoning.

“Well, I am your mom’s mom and I am sort of your mom because I am your GRAND mom.” I replied.

The conversation then shifted to more serious topics, like is Spider Man stronger than the Hulk?

I know this conversation will come up again – maybe soon, maybe not.  But it will come up again.

I am the safety net for him.  That’s what kinship caregivers do.  We fill that void of the missing parent.  We make sure they know they have family who loves them.  Many will, like me, try to let their child relative know that although they are not with the parent(s), they are with family.  I think that is important. I also believe that is why we do what we do.  There is no financial incentive to be the safety net.  In fact, most kinship caregivers take a huge financial setback to raise their relative(s).  But we are family and families are made in all kinds of ways.

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Reference:

Hayslip Jr., B. & Kaminski, P. L. (2005). Grandparents raising their grandchildren: A review of the literature and suggestions for practice. The Gerontologist, (45)2, pp. 262-269.

Grieving and Kinship Caregiving

So often during the past four years I felt angry.  I was angry with my daughter.  I was angry with my grandson’s father. I was angry with the other grandparents and relatives.  I was angry with my friends. I was angry with the government.  I was angry with the court system.  I was angry with the police.  I was angry. 

At least I thought I was.

On January 2, 2007 my best friend died from cancer.  I was with her when she died.  It was one of the saddest moments of my life.  Every day I missed her for at least two solid years.  Every single day I thought about her and my heart would ache.  She was only 42 years old.

At some point, I stopped thinking about her every single day.  At some point, the heaviness in my heart lightened. I don’t know what day that happened, but it did.  The sadness eased up and eventually left.  Today when I think of my friend, I don’t feel that deep, aching sadness.    

Grieving the death of my friend is how it felt becoming a kinship caregiver.  Grieving is feeling the brokenness in our heart.  Grieving is caused by feeling a loss.  

In the beginning, I was a broken-hearted kinship caregiver, trying to provide care, when my heart was broken. Certainly there were things to feel angry about, but in hindsight, I believe I was grieving more than I was angry.  

I lost my daughter to meth addiction.  Sure, she is alive, but she is gone. I cannot tell you where she is today.  She has no known phone number to call her.  She has no known address.  She is homeless and that is so sad to me. I love her and I miss her.  This is my loss.

I was grieving because my grandson had so many delays in his development.  His pediatrician states they are likely due to neglect. He needed weekly therapies for speech, fine motor skills and gross motor skills.  That makes me sad.  This is my loss.

I was grieving my life.  I thought I was done raising kids.  I had earned my bachelor’s degree at age 40, was starting an actual “career” instead of a “job”, and was making plans and having goals.  Suddenly, plans changed.  My dreams for my career had to be revised.  This is my loss.

For me it is important to remember pain and loss are a part of everyone’s life.  The more alone or unique I think I am with my pain and loss, the longer I stay stuck. 

The best thing I did was reach out for support.  It is important to know there are other kinship caregivers who have experienced many of the same feelings.  They have walked this difficult path, know the challenges, the losses, and are living in the sunlight.  Yes, there is sunlight after the initial darkness.  They give me hope and strength.

If you are grieving, give yourself time, and know that you will come through this.  You will laugh again.  Very likely, it will be that very person you are caring for who will put the smile on your face and laughter in your heart.  You’ll see. 

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Shame, shame, shame

Sometimes I feel ashamed I am raising my grandson. After all, there is that saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  Ouch.

Sometimes I think it’s my “fault” that my daughter is an addict and not raising her son.

Maybe I didn’t do enough or did too much.  Maybe I should have tried harder or prayed more.  Maybe, because I had my own issues to deal with in life, I created her problems. All the maybe’s……

I was not a fabulous parent.  I sure wasn’t Betty Crocker.  But I did not neglect my children, never provide for them or ever stop loving them.  I also know when it comes to trying to be a good parent, I did do my best with what I knew how to do at the time. 

When my daughter was just a toddler I knew there was something not quite right with her behavior.  I didn’t know what that something was, but I tried my hardest to figure it out and get her help.  By the time she was five years old, I was driving two hours away for her to see a child psychologist.  It didn’t help.

This was back in the late 80’s.  Therapists were not diagnosing kids with ADD, ADHD, oppositional defiance, or obsessive/compulsive behavior.  Yet, by the time she was into her “tweens”, she was diagnosed (labeled) with all of these, plus depressed, anxious, bipolar, borderline personality disorder and more.  By the time she was 18 she qualified for government disability payments.

By the time she was 18, she was already an addict.

My daughter has an addiction – not a parenting problem.  Alanon has a saying that I tell myself often:  I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it.  Sometimes I have to replay that statement over and over in my mind.

Shakespeare suggested, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”  I practice watching my thoughts and choose to focus on what is right rather than what is wrong. When I get down, I get a piece of paper and write out what I am grateful for.  This action of purposeful redirection of my thoughts helps me. It only takes only a couple minutes to jot down a list. Making a list stops my anxieties from getting the best of me.

Today I am not concerned if “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  I am a good tree!

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Boundaries with Family

Today the topic is boundaries. I have not always had very good boundaries throughout my life.  I have to make very conscious efforts to have boundaries.  My first reaction is to always want to defend myself in retaliation to hurtful words.  I get busy trying to make my point or defend myself.  It never occurred to me there are other options – like having boundaries.

My daughter posted a photo of herself yesterday on Facebook.  She has lost a lot of weight and hair – side effects of meth. 

I saw the picture and I saw all the “likes” people were giving the photo. How do people give a “thumbs up” to people who are killing themselves from drug use, who have lost their families to their drug addiction?

One “friend” on her Facebook page commented she didn’t look so good.  I agreed, so I entered a comment that she doesn’t look good, gave the number for Teen Challenge – a treatment center – and wrote I hope she will call them.  In response, she replied, “Can’t you ever say anything nice?” and added several hurtful, spiteful comments.  The words were vulgar and included profanity.  I guess she really wanted to make a point.....

Quite suddenly I realized I don’t have to take this!  I did something I never would have thought to do in the past.  I unsubscribed from her on Facebook. 

Oh that was hard!  Following my daughter on Facebook has been my only method to know she is even alive.  Yet, I finally have enough sense to know I don’t need to be called names by anyone – including my daughter.  

This is the sad truth of raising a relative whose parent(s) are lost in drug addiction. We hope for the best, we say prayers for their wellbeing. We worry. In the end, it’s out of our control. I can focus on what is possible – to take good care of her son and my grandson, raise him with love, and do my best to help hep him know the good things about his mom.  My daughter is not all bad.  She is very sick, caught up in meth addiction. It is not her we don't like or get angry with.  It's meth.

A mentor once told me the more I try to “help”, the more I am telling my God that I don’t trust He will care for her.  It is not my job to be her “Higher Power”.  Thinking about that has helped me.

It’s in God’s hands, not mine.  He knows the big picture, not me.  He will keep her safe or bring her home.  Meanwhile, I will stay focused and what I can do – love the family and friends who are here.

Accepting the Seemingly Unacceptable

In a fellowship I belong to, there is a saying “acceptance is key to everything”.  The longer we fight accepting something, the longer we stay stuck or miserable. I find it is so hard to accept things I just don’t want to accept.  The past three years were very difficult raising my grandson.  I could not or would not accept the situation was not a temporary situation.

I thought when I got my grandson surely it would be my daughter’s “bottom” and she would go to treatment, get well and he would go back to her.  That’s what a “good” parent does, right? It didn’t happen.

I next thought that surely his dad would raise him since he has been actively “involved” with his son since I got him.  That didn’t happen and he doesn’t want to fulltime parent.

A year ago I finally went to see a counselor.  She has been a big help, guiding me through my feelings.  I have finally come to true acceptance.  I am a permanent “parent” and will be raising my grandson. 

It is good to come to peace with this.  I don’t know why it took three years to get here.  I suppose in my selfishness, I wanted MY life back.  I didn’t want to deal with developmental delays, occupational therapies, speech therapies, physical therapies, high daycare bills, doctor appointments, meltdowns, bedtimes, potty training.  It felt like I was going backwards with my life instead of forward.

Finally I am at peace with the situation.  I can let myself enjoy the moments, instead of waiting for the moments to end and have my life back.  I laugh again more instead of cry.

One thing my counselor told me is that it will get easier as my grandson gets older.  She is right.  Now that he is five, can talk in a way I can understand, it is easier.  Sometimes he regresses in his behavior, like after his mom left again.  Yet, when he does, I know it’s just a temporary situation.  I can finally truly enjoy him.  Yes, he still has delays in his development, but he has come so far.

How nice it feels to accept what I thought I would never be able to accept – I am raising my grandson.  I am one of over two million other relatives raising a relative.  We are so brave and courageous.  We are loyal to our families.  I feel good about that now, and at peace.  Finally.

Acceptance is key to everything.  Acceptance is not saying you like something, agree with something.  It is just saying I am okay with this.

Remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”?  I think it takes a family to raise a child.  I am grateful today for my family. 

I am a grandparent raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Books For Our Kids

Here are some books that may be helpful for our kids. I do not claim to have read them, but some of them sound very good. See what you think. Check if your library has them or try Amazon.

Author: Martha Whitmore Hickman
Title: Robert Lives With His Grandparents: A Concept Book
Ages: 4 - 8
Date: 1995
Robert’s parents are divorced, and he lives with his grandparents. When his grandmother decides to attend Parent’s Day at his school, he is afraid of what the other kids will think of him.

Author: Jeanne Warren Lindsay
Title: Do I Have a Daddy?
Ages: 4 – 8
Date: 1991
A read aloud book to help caregivers respond to children’s questions about a parent they have never seen.

Author: Tololwa Mollel
Title: Kele’s Secret
Ages: Elementary School – picture book
Date: 1997
A young African boy who lives with his grandparents on their coffee farm follows their hen in order to find out where she is hiding her eggs.

Author: Cindy Klein Cohen and John T. Heiney
Title: Daddy’s Promise
Ages: 4 – 8
Date: 1997
Addresses all the different feelings children may have as they grieve a loved one. (Available through bookstores or amazon.com)


Author: Brigitte Weninger
Title: Good-Bye Daddy!
Ages: 4 – 9
Date: 1995
After spending the day with his daddy, a young bear is sad and angry that his father has to leave. The bear comes to learn that even when a father lives in another home, the love and caring never go away.

Author: Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
Title: Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families
Ages: 5 – 10
Date: 1986
Dinosaur characters depict the range of experiences and feelings encountered by children of divorced parents.

Author: Elizabeth Weitzman
Title: Let’s Talk About When A Parent Dies
Ages: 5 - 9
Date: 1996
Gives advice on surviving the death of a parent and suggests what feelings and behaviors to expect from others.

Author: Jill Krementz
Title: How It Feels When a Parent Dies
Ages: 8 – 13
Date: 1981
Children, ages seven through sixteen, tell how it feels to lose a parent through death.

Author: Maureen K. Wittbold
Title: Let’s talk About When a Parent is in Jail
Ages: Early Elementary
Date: 1997
Discusses why jail exits, why people go to jail and how to deal with a person in jail.

Author: Jill Hastings and Marion Typpo
Title: An Elephant in the Living Room: the Children’s
Book and An Elephant in the Living Room: a
Leader’s Guide for Helping Children of Alcoholics
Ages: 4 – 8 and their caregivers
Date: 1994
These books help children from alcoholic homes learn about addiction and teach new ways to handle their feelings.


Author: Ruth White
Title: Belle Prater’s Boy
Ages: Young Adult - fiction
Date: 1996
When Woodrow’s mother disappears suddenly, he moves to his grandparent’s home in a small Virginia town. He befriends his cousin and together they find the strength to face the terrible losses and fears in their lives.

Depression and kinship caring

As I read research about the health and wellbeing of kinship caregivers, I learn there is an increase in health problems that are seemingly related to caring for our relative. Although I do have bouts with depression, I would not tie the problem exclusively to being a kinship caregiver. I wonder how researchers make that leap.

When a relative takes on the “parenting” role for a relative, there typically is a traumatic life event that has happened – for both the child(ren) and the relative caregiver. The first time my grandson was placed with me, it was because a drug raid took place at his parents’ home. I received a call from my daughter asking me to take her son or he would go to foster care. I had less than a minute to make this decision! And that is a big decision to make. I was trying to process what she was telling me – the police were at her home, they were looking for drugs, she was going to jail, and a social worker was taking her son! That is a lot of information to take in!

I quickly agreed to take my grandson, but I had no idea at that time what that decision would mean.

Was I depressed? Of course I was! My daughter was arrested, my grandson was with me on a fulltime basis, and there were many uncertainties to figure out. How would I continue working fulltime in a job I just started three weeks before the phone call? How would I afford to buy formula, diapers, and clothing? Where would I get help to pay daycare that was over $200 per week for an “infant”? Who would help? Would I qualify for any help?

My point is, dramatic life events such as this one are bound to impact the emotional well-being of anyone! Was my depression or sadness from caring for my grandson or was it due to trying to process everything that was happening and making very big adjustments to my day-to-day life as I knew it? I think it is both and tying my depression exclusively to raising my grandson is not a true statement.

I also have to wonder how the age of the kinship caregiver plays into the health issues. Wouldn’t it make sense that going through such a traumatic event would make any current health issue flare up? I know when I am feeling a lot of stress my rheumatoid arthritis flares up significantly. If a kinship caregiver is older and has health issues related to the normal aging process, wouldn’t they flare up?

I suppose there is truth stating our health suffers, but it seems a bit misleading. Older people generally do have aging health concerns. Stress can make them flare up. Is the source of the stress raising a child or is it grieving the loss of the parent. After all, it is not only the child who lost a parent, but in my case, I lost my daughter to drug addiction and honestly, I miss her too.