Thank you for coming to visit. I've moved the blog over to a new website called RaisingKin.com. Why?
The reason I made this move is because I wanted the ability to have pages with links to information for kinship caregivers. I also wanted to gain experience with website design, because my career is to develop curriculum and learning. It is helpful for me to learn how to build and maintain a website. If I don't use what I am learning, I will lose it. Not to mention it's already hard to remember anything - kidding, kidding. That's why God made trees - so we would have paper to write notes to remember everything.
Come see the website and bookmark it. The blogs will be there, under the "Blog" tab. Here's a link to make it quicker to find: RaisingKin Blog
Hope to see you at the website!
Amy
kin-caring
Dedicated to the millions of courageous kinship caregivers raising family members.
Kinship Caregivers:
We are the courageous relatives parenting our relatives. We are grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, and other relatives who love our families and believe in keeping our families together.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Kinship Care: The "F" Word
Hey you all! I am back!! This is my last week of
graduate school. Hopefully by this time next week I will be 100%
done with all my school work. I have missed being here, telling you my
stories of kinship care. I want to thank you all for being patient with
me.
It was a
grind – but we did it!!!
I have been thinking a lot lately about the “F” words – you know the ones, FAIR and FEAR. Today I will talk about fair.
It does not seem fair that I take so much responsibility for a child I love so much, but never imagined would be my responsibility to raise, to keep safe, to handle all the hurts, the tears, and the confusion he feels. Granted, I do get the good stuff too – all the hugs, the “I love you grandma” and just plain laughter.
I will tell you the truth that I believe many kinship caregivers face – we get days when it is so incredibly difficult to not feel very angry at the parents. I have written about some of those days.
My third grandson was born in March. I was so happy for my son and his wife. Everything went perfect, with no complications. My grandson and I drove to the hospital excited to see our newest family member. Of course, Murphy’s Law would happen. The moment I parked my car, my cell phone rang. I saw the number and knew it was my daughter. Here’s the dilemma – should I answer? When she calls, it’s usually a request to drop whatever I am doing and do something for her.
Out of respect for my son, I had not discussed they were expecting a baby. She knew they were, but I just didn’t talk about it with her. It’s complicated – like most decisions are with kinship care. My daughter asked to speak with her son and he told his mom he was going to see his uncles’ baby. He was excited. He gave the phone back to me. My daughter asked me to take some photos with my phone and send her some pictures. I told her I would not because her brother would not appreciate that. She hissed back, “Well, it’s only fair since I can’t see him”.
I think my brain exploded. Fair! Did she really say “fair”? I mean seriously!
I think every kinship caregiver who is raising a relative because the parents are either addicts, alcoholics, or in jail – which is the large majority of us – would all feel the same shock. It seems like the last person to talk about fairness would be the parent.
I know drug and alcohol addiction makes it impossible for her to see the truth. That’s how I coped with her statement – and continue to always remind myself. She is sick – physically, mentally and spiritually. She doesn’t understand because she is sick and can’t understand.
It’s not fair. Nobody said being a kinship caregiver would be fair, feel fair, or look fair. In fact, it’s not fair. That is the reality of kinship care and we see the reality every time we look at our child relative.
Let’s face it. Things weren’t fair when we were a kid and whined to our parents, “it’s not fair!”. Maybe that feeling of injustice carries into adulthood. However, by now we have the sense to know that even though something may not feel fair, it can still be the right thing to do. It’s time to get over the, “it’s not fair!”
I am a grandma raising my grandson. It’s all good. And I am glad to be back.
Just a reminder: please come visit me at my website - which is where I will be moving this blog to: www.raisingkin.com.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the “F” words – you know the ones, FAIR and FEAR. Today I will talk about fair.
It does not seem fair that I take so much responsibility for a child I love so much, but never imagined would be my responsibility to raise, to keep safe, to handle all the hurts, the tears, and the confusion he feels. Granted, I do get the good stuff too – all the hugs, the “I love you grandma” and just plain laughter.
I will tell you the truth that I believe many kinship caregivers face – we get days when it is so incredibly difficult to not feel very angry at the parents. I have written about some of those days.
My third grandson was born in March. I was so happy for my son and his wife. Everything went perfect, with no complications. My grandson and I drove to the hospital excited to see our newest family member. Of course, Murphy’s Law would happen. The moment I parked my car, my cell phone rang. I saw the number and knew it was my daughter. Here’s the dilemma – should I answer? When she calls, it’s usually a request to drop whatever I am doing and do something for her.
Out of respect for my son, I had not discussed they were expecting a baby. She knew they were, but I just didn’t talk about it with her. It’s complicated – like most decisions are with kinship care. My daughter asked to speak with her son and he told his mom he was going to see his uncles’ baby. He was excited. He gave the phone back to me. My daughter asked me to take some photos with my phone and send her some pictures. I told her I would not because her brother would not appreciate that. She hissed back, “Well, it’s only fair since I can’t see him”.
I think my brain exploded. Fair! Did she really say “fair”? I mean seriously!
I think every kinship caregiver who is raising a relative because the parents are either addicts, alcoholics, or in jail – which is the large majority of us – would all feel the same shock. It seems like the last person to talk about fairness would be the parent.
I know drug and alcohol addiction makes it impossible for her to see the truth. That’s how I coped with her statement – and continue to always remind myself. She is sick – physically, mentally and spiritually. She doesn’t understand because she is sick and can’t understand.
It’s not fair. Nobody said being a kinship caregiver would be fair, feel fair, or look fair. In fact, it’s not fair. That is the reality of kinship care and we see the reality every time we look at our child relative.
Let’s face it. Things weren’t fair when we were a kid and whined to our parents, “it’s not fair!”. Maybe that feeling of injustice carries into adulthood. However, by now we have the sense to know that even though something may not feel fair, it can still be the right thing to do. It’s time to get over the, “it’s not fair!”
I am a grandma raising my grandson. It’s all good. And I am glad to be back.
Just a reminder: please come visit me at my website - which is where I will be moving this blog to: www.raisingkin.com.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Moved to Website
Hi everyone!
I'm getting this website/blog going, so please come see me at www.raisingkin.com
Please consider bookmarking the website and sharing it with all your social networks (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc).
I am so grateful for my readers and I hope you will move along with me to this new site. I think we will have more fun at the webpage, can share ideas and resources we know about. Together we can raise awareness of kinship care and our needs - and victories! :)
My posts on this blog will be copied over, so the history will be at the website.
I'm excited to get this far!!! I hope you are, too.
I want to sing like Dora the Explorer, "We did it, we did it!"
See you there!
I'm getting this website/blog going, so please come see me at www.raisingkin.com
Please consider bookmarking the website and sharing it with all your social networks (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc).
I am so grateful for my readers and I hope you will move along with me to this new site. I think we will have more fun at the webpage, can share ideas and resources we know about. Together we can raise awareness of kinship care and our needs - and victories! :)
My posts on this blog will be copied over, so the history will be at the website.
I'm excited to get this far!!! I hope you are, too.
I want to sing like Dora the Explorer, "We did it, we did it!"
See you there!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Kinship Care: It's All My Fault
Kinship caregivers raise their relatives for many
reasons. Parents may have problems with
drugs or alcohol. They may not want to
parent their child(ren). The parent(s)
may have died. The parent(s) might be
incarcerated. There are many reasons and
it’s important to understand that although my daughter is an addict who
neglected her son, not all relatives raising their relative are doing so
because of addictions.
For those who are raising their relative because the
parent(s) are addicts or alcoholics, perhaps you will relate to this story.
My daughter is 26 years old and a meth addict. She tells me the reason she is a drug user is
because I was a bad mother. She has also
told me she resents how I raise her son – that I do a much better job raising
him than I did raising her.
When she says I was a bad mother, there is a part of me that
really hurts. If I am completely honest, I was not a perfect parent. I made
mistakes. Her dad and I divorced when
she was four. I moved a lot. When she was seven I remarried. Seven years later, another divorce and we
moved again. She did have a lot to deal with.
Add to that her behavioral issues I worried about since she was just a
toddler. Those behaviors later led to
her diagnosis of bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety,
obsessive/compulsive disorder, and more.
She was not an easy child to parent.
We were also poor when I wasn’t married and a one-income
household. My daughter will claim that was a hardship for her. Until 2003, I never earned more than
$15,000/year. I do not believe being
poor made me a bad mother or caused my daughter to be an addict. Being poor did
make me see there had to be another way – a better way.
When I was 36 I set out to earn my bachelor’s degree by the
time I was 40. In 2004, at age 40, I
earned my bachelor’s degree and my income rose to a livable level – the lower
end of middle-class status. I then set a goal to try to earn a master’s degree
by the time I would be 50. Today at age
48, I am two months away from earning my master’s degree.
I can’t go back in time and fix my mistakes parenting my
daughter. I don’t get a “do over”. I agree with my daughter that I am doing a
better job parenting at age 48 than I did in my 20’s and 30’s. As we age, we get wiser. We have experiences to draw upon. Isn't that a good
thing?
My daughter has a disease called addiction and it is not my
fault or the direct result of my parenting.
Addicts and alcoholics look for people to blame and my daughter is no
different. She blames me. I have to remember what Alanon teaches me: I
didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.
On the left sidebar of this blog there is a link to private online
support groups for kinship caregivers. I
invite any kinship caregiver reading this to please consider joining these
private online support groups.
Without the help of my kinship support group friends, I
would continue to feel very isolated with my experiences as a kinship
caregiver. Having an online group of
friends and their support has made a huge difference in my ability to handle
being a relative raising a relative. The
groups are closed to the public so what you share will not appear on your
Facebook public page. You can also choose not to share anything and just read
the experiences other members share. You
will see you are not alone. You will see, as I have, it is not our fault. Come join us.
If you don’t like it, you can always leave.
To my readers of this blog, thank you for your support and
encouragement. I do hope sharing these
stories give you strength and hope.
Thank you for being so courageous and parenting your relative. You did not look the other way when you saw a
child needed their family.
I am a good grandma raising my grandson. It’s all good.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Kinship Caregiving: Sacrifices
Families change in many ways when we raise relatives. Some seem obvious, such as the financial
hardships that occur when we suddenly find ourselves raising a relative. Some changes are not so obvious. When I took responsibility for raising my
grandson in 2008, I owned a severe macaw bird and a cat.
In 2009, I had to find a home for my bird. He was becoming loud and was biting my
grandson. After he bit my grandson a
second time, I knew my bird would have to go.
It was a devastating decision for me.
I had owned my macaw for seven years and truly thought I would have him
until I die. Macaws can easily live 70
years or more.
Another year went by and my grandson was three. He was running around in our apartment, jumping,
falling, and making noises that toddlers make.
I had neighbors living below my apartment and above my apartment. Although my neighbors never complained
openly, I worried about the noise. I
knew we needed to move to a home where he could run and play like three-year
olds do.
I found a side-by-side bungalow rental. The
rent was nearly the same and we would have a yard and a long driveway that
would be great for summertime. There was
one drawback – the landlord didn’t allow pets and I had a cat. Once again, I had to find a home for my pet
so we could move to a place that was “kid-friendly”.
I never thought raising a relative would mean losing my
pets. We do what we need to do. I am not the first relative who had to move
or make other difficult sacrifices in order to raise a relative.
We have been living in our bungalow for over two years. I still firmly believe a child should grow up
with a pet. I believe having a pet can
teach a child about responsibility, how to nurture, and can help kids express
feelings. I don’t really want to move so
we can have a pet. We like where we
live.
I decided to give my landlord a call and ask if he would
reconsider his ‘no pet’ policy. I figured
the worst that could happen is he would tell me no. I got up my courage, said a quick prayer, and
called him. I told him I have lived in
his property for nearly three years and I have been a good tenant. I take care of his property and pay my rent.
I told him I felt it is important for children to grow up with a pet and I want
to give my grandson the same opportunity.
I asked him if we could have a cat.
To my surprise, he said yes!
I was thrilled!
Last week we brought home “Butter”, an orange and white cat. He doesn’t seem to mind being half-carried,
half dragged around our house by a five-year old boy!
As a kinship caregiver, I have made many sacrifices to raise
my grandson. Being able to have a pet again
feels like I am finally able to have a piece of my “old” life back.
I am one happy grandma raising my grandson (and a cat). It’s all good.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Kinship Caregiving: Keeping Relatives Safe
I remember visiting my grandson and his mom (my daughter)
during the summer of 2008. My grandson was about 18 months old and they lived
almost 40 miles away from me. I did not
see them often after my grandson was returned to his parents in September 2007. My daughter was angry with me and did not want
to see me. She was angry her son was
placed with me the previous summer – as if I had something to do with the drug
raid resulting in her son being placed with me!
When I arrived at her apartment, it was dirty. There were dishes
piled up, crusted with dried food. The trash was spilling over on to the kitchen floor where my grandson
could walk in it. "Try not to judge" I thought to myself.
I wasn’t sure at the
time what was happening with my daughter.
I thought she was going through a hard time, having just left the father
of my grandson. I didn’t know she was already in
the life of drugs and addiction. If I
did, then I guess I just didn’t want to see it.
During my visit, her neighbor came to her door. My grandson hurried to the door, trying to
push the door shut to prevent her from coming in. I thought it was strange behavior. I certainly got the impression he did not
want her coming in! I knew this woman would come over often, only because she
frequently answered the phone when I would call.
I stayed for about two hours. During the visit, my grandson stayed by my
side or on my lap.
About five minutes after I left, my daughter called me. I answered the phone and could hear my
grandson screaming and crying uncontrollably in the background. My daughter was laughing, saying “See
grandma, he does want you!” I told her I
was driving and couldn’t talk and hung up.
Instead of comforting my grandson, she was laughing! It was a strange call and unsettling.
This memory haunts me today.
It would be just a few months later that I would piece all
the clues together. My daughter would
often leave my grandson with the neighbor lady all day and overnight. She hadn’t paid her rent for several months
and was being evicted. She would frequently
leave my grandson with his father, who would then call me looking for my
daughter.
During the next few months I made numerous calls to the
county social worker who worked with my daughter when my grandson
was removed from her. I told the social
worker I suspected my daughter was using drugs.
I told her I suspected she was neglecting him. I also made reports to to
my daughter's probation officer. Every time I
would get the same answer – we don’t have enough evidence.
During October of 2007, my daughter was hospitalized for a
bad infection in her hip. While she was
in the hospital I took her clothing home to wash them. Inside her bag of belongings, I found a meth
pipe. I was shocked and wondered what to
do.
I did what I thought was right. I again called the social
worker and reported what I found. I
called her probation officer and told him what I found. The social worker said she could not prove
the pipe was around my grandson so there was nothing she could do. The probation officer said he couldn’t prove
the pipe belonged to her since it was not found by the hospital staff – as if I
planted a meth pipe in her belongs!
I finally broke down into tears while talking to the social
worker. I begged her to please tell me
what could be done to protect my grandson.
It was finally at this point she told me any adult can file an Order for
Protection on behalf of a minor if they are concerned about the safety of a
child. How I wished I had known that
sooner. I thought Orders for Protection
were used only by adults needing protection.
I remember going to the county court house on October 31,
2008. I asked the counter clerk for the
paperwork to file an Order for Protection.
She gave me the forms and I sat on a bench in the courthouse hallway,
filling out the form and writing all the dates and details of everything I knew
occurred during the previous months. My hands were shaking.
Once finished, I handed the paperwork to the clerk. She told me to have a seat in the hallway and
wait for my name to be called.
It was a stressful wait.
Finally the clerk called my name.
I went to the counter and she said, “The judge signed the form.” I asked her what that meant. She pointed to the box on the front of the
form indicating the judge agreed the child was in danger.
It’s funny. Even
though I felt sure my grandson was in danger, I did not fully trust my
observations or intuition. When I saw the judge’s
signature, I let out a deep breath. I
finally felt validated. I was not crazy. What I was seeing was not
good and the judge believed the same thing.
I asked the clerk, “So, it’s okay for me to go get my
grandson? I have the legal right?” She simply replied, “Yes, ma’am”.
I picked up the paperwork and walked out of the courthouse. That’s when the tears started. Finally somebody was helping my
grandson! Finally somebody believed
me.
As a kinship caregiver, I can tell you the “system” does not
always work like we think it should or even would. I was so naïve. I learned how tricky it can be to prove a child
is in danger. Even when I found the drug
pipe, thinking certainly anybody would agree that cannot be a good thing – the
legal system (probation officer) and human health services (social worker)
could not help my grandson.
From this experience I can tell you that it is very important
to keep good notes. Write down the dates of everything you
witness. Write down who you talked to. Write it all down because there may come a
day when those notes will make a big difference. Having my notes was so important when I
requested the Order for Protection. I
had the dates of every report I ever made and who I spoke with.
When I think back on that phone call when my grandson was
crying so uncontrollably, it still brings tears to my eyes. I hope to never hear him cry like that again.
I am a grandma raising my grandson. It’s all good today.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Kinship Caring: Being a Grandma and Expectations
I am going to be a grandma again on March 7th. My son and his wife are expecting their first
child. I am so excited! I am also nervous.
I am nervous because I wonder if I will know how to be “just”
a grandma. I have been raising my
grandson for over three years now. I was
his caregiver for nearly four months during his first year. Do I know how to be a “love them and leave
them” grandparent? Will I have the time
and energy for my new grandbaby while I raise my grandson? What is “enough
time” anyway?
I also wonder how being a “real” grandma will impact my
grandson. If I spoil my new grandchild,
will my grandson be jealous? Will my
grandson wish he had a “real” grandma?
Family dynamics change when we become a kinship
caregiver. Roles change.
In July 2010 my daughter was arrested. While in jail she found out she was pregnant
with her second child. The court granted
a furlough to in-patient treatment instead of jail time. I am grateful she was able to stay sober
until the birth of my second grandson on January 9, 2011.
My daughter made an open adoption plan for the baby. She found a wonderful couple who lives
nearby. I envisioned I would be involved
in my newest grandson’s life as his grandparent. His adopting parents have been
so gracious and welcoming.
I have not done a good job of being a grandma to my second
grandson. Not long after he was born, my
daughter left one weekend and never came back.
I had to hurry and find a fulltime daycare for him and take him out of
Head Start (a preschool) so I could continue working. I was back in the “reacting to life” mode of
living.
In hindsight, I think I had so much to deal with that I
could not think about this new grandson.
When I did, I would cry. Add to
that, my grandson struggled with why his mom was suddenly gone. This time, he was old enough to miss her after
spending six months knowing his mom. He
experienced behavioral setbacks, following me around to each room of our small
bungalow, suddenly having to sleep with me every night – something he never did
before.
The stress of the situation created a flare-up of my
rheumatoid arthritis. The entire summer
of 2011 was filled with daily chronic pain, various physical therapy sessions,
doctor appointments, new medications and resulting side-effects. It was such a struggle to get through each
day.
The next thing I knew, it was fall and ten months had flown
by since my second grandson was born.
During the past three months I have gone to visit my new
grandson. Visiting him creates difficult
feelings for me. I feel like I don’t
know him very well and it troubles me. I
am not sure if what I feel is because I did not see him very much the first
year or if it is because it is difficult to visit him and not think about my
daughter. Did I miss the “bonding”
window of time? Is there a bonding
window of time for grandparents?
So I wonder: do I know how to be a grandparent?
I think the answer is that I can be if I let go of my
expectations.
With the fellowship I am a member of I have learned
something about myself. I tend to either
have expectations of how I think other people “should” be or I have
expectations of how I should be. Neither
one is good. I cannot live in the moments
of life with joy if I have expectations.
If an expectation is not met, it can lead to feelings of resentment for
me, which is really not a good place for me to live in.
I looked up the word ‘expectations’ and learned it is a
strong belief that something will happen in
the future. It also means a belief that someone should achieve something. Both of these definitions make living in
the present nearly impossible. I would
be wise to check my expectations at the door and just live in the moment. If I am willing to do that, odds are good I
will do just fine being “just” a grandma.
I am a grandma. I am also
a grandma raising my grandson. It’s all
good.
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