Kinship Caring: Being a Grandma and Expectations

I am going to be a grandma again on March 7^th.  My son and his wife are expecting their first child.  I am so excited!  I am also nervous.

I am nervous because I wonder if I will know how to be “just” a grandma.  I have been raising my grandson for over three years now.  I was his caregiver for nearly four months during his first year.  Do I know how to be a “love them and leave them” grandparent?  Will I have the time and energy for my new grandbaby while I raise my grandson?  What is “enough time” anyway?

I also wonder how being a “real” grandma will impact my grandson.  If I spoil my new grandchild, will my grandson be jealous?  Will my grandson wish he had a “real” grandma?

Family dynamics change when we become a kinship caregiver.  Roles change. 

In July 2010 my daughter was arrested.  While in jail she found out she was pregnant with her second child.  The court granted a furlough to in-patient treatment instead of jail time.  I am grateful she was able to stay sober until the birth of my second grandson on January 9, 2011.

My daughter made an open adoption plan for the baby.  She found a wonderful couple who lives nearby.  I envisioned I would be involved in my newest grandson’s life as his grandparent. His adopting parents have been so gracious and welcoming.  

I have not done a good job of being a grandma to my second grandson.  Not long after he was born, my daughter left one weekend and never came back.  I had to hurry and find a fulltime daycare for him and take him out of Head Start (a preschool) so I could continue working.  I was back in the “reacting to life” mode of living.

In hindsight, I think I had so much to deal with that I could not think about this new grandson.  When I did, I would cry.  Add to that, my grandson struggled with why his mom was suddenly gone.  This time, he was old enough to miss her after spending six months knowing his mom.  He experienced behavioral setbacks, following me around to each room of our small bungalow, suddenly having to sleep with me every night – something he never did before.

The stress of the situation created a flare-up of my rheumatoid arthritis.  The entire summer of 2011 was filled with daily chronic pain, various physical therapy sessions, doctor appointments, new medications and resulting side-effects.  It was such a struggle to get through each day. 

The next thing I knew, it was fall and ten months had flown by since my second grandson was born. 

During the past three months I have gone to visit my new grandson.  Visiting him creates difficult feelings for me.  I feel like I don’t know him very well and it troubles me.  I am not sure if what I feel is because I did not see him very much the first year or if it is because it is difficult to visit him and not think about my daughter.  Did I miss the “bonding” window of time?  Is there a bonding window of time for grandparents?

So I wonder: do I know how to be a grandparent?

I think the answer is that I can be if I let go of my expectations. 

With the fellowship I am a member of I have learned something about myself.  I tend to either have expectations of how I think other people “should” be or I have expectations of how I should be.  Neither one is good.  I cannot live in the moments of life with joy if I have expectations.  If an expectation is not met, it can lead to feelings of resentment for me, which is really not a good place for me to live in.

I looked up the word ‘expectations’ and learned it is a strong belief that something will happen in the future. It also means a belief that someone should achieve something. Both of these definitions make living in the present nearly impossible.  I would be wise to check my expectations at the door and just live in the moment.  If I am willing to do that, odds are good I will do just fine being “just” a grandma.

I am a grandma.  I am also a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Kinship Care Challenges: Looking Back

Remember the book titled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”?  I wish there was a book like that for kinship caregivers. Raising my grandson is not the same as raising my children. 

As a grandparent raising my grandson, there are more responsibilities.  Many grandparents/relatives inherit a lot of parenting challenges.  The child(ren) may be experiencing depression, anxiety, health problems, behavior problems, school difficulties, aggression, and feelings of anger, rejection, and guilt. 

Parenting any child with emotional or behavior issues is hard enough for any parent, but as a grandparent raising my grandson, it’s more difficult because there are so many other stressors.  There are legal and financial problems, dealing with difficult feelings about the parent(s), handling grief, isolation, emotional stress and possibly health concerns because we are older.

Looking back, I received a crash-course in the following:

• Child protection laws
• Filing an Order for Protection
• Applying for state/government assistance – financial, food stamps, medical assistance
• Finding and paying for daycare so I could keep working
• Determining if I could handle working fulltime plus raise my grandson
• Understanding foster care vs. no foster care and which was best in my situation
• Applying for social security disability for my grandson
• Learning about special education for my grandson’s developmental delays
• Understanding his needs as a child who experienced neglect
• Finding professional counseling
• Locating support groups specifically for kinship caregivers
• Locating an attorney knowledgeable of kinship care
• Shifting from a grandparent role to a parent role
• Handling difficult emotions, such a grieving, anger, and resentment
• Dealing with my daughter who is an addict
• Dealing with my grandson’s father and his unwillingness to do what is necessary to raise his son
• Filing police reports against my daughter when she violated the Order for Protection

When I look at this list, I can see why the first three years were so difficult for me.  There is a lot to work through, and too often we feel as if we are trying to handle all these questions and issues alone.  I felt as if I were climbing a huge mountain, with no end in sight.

What helped me was to remember the reason I am raising my grandson:  I love him. Coming back to that fact helped me to keep going. He is my family, no less important than my own children.  I do not want strangers raising him, or that he would ever think his family did not care enough about him to help him.  He is worth every single challenge.

If you are a kinship caregiver, don’t give up.  Things do settle down with time.

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.