Kinship Caring: Missing Mom Moments

Being a kinship caregiver has some heartbreaking moments.  It’s always a dilemma for me to figure out the best way to comfort my grandson when he misses his mom.  Thank God for other kinship caregivers who share their wisdom and stories.

This past week, my grandson heard me talking on the phone with his grandfather.  When the phone call ended, I looked at him and could see he was troubled.  He asked me what we were talking about.

I told him that his grandpa called because he was worried about his mom and wanted to know if we had heard from her. 

“Grandma, can I say a bad word?” he asked.  I wanted to know what his five-year old mind was thinking about, so I said, “Yes, you can say a bad word this one time”.

His voice got soft and quiet.  He whispered, “This is not nice, but I have to say it.  I hate mom.” And then he put his head in my chest, as if to cover his face.  I held him.  Then he said, “I love my mom”.

I told my grandson, “You know what? Sometimes I miss your mom so much. Sometimes I am so angry with your mom because I want her to come home.  I love you, buddy. We just miss your mom.”  

He stayed in my arms for a few minutes.  We didn’t talk.  We didn’t need to.  We just sat in the kitchen, hugging each other and missing mom. 

Then it was time to color pictures and be five.

It is not easy to have these conversations.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting.

I know it is not good to stay focused on what is wrong in life.  When I do that, I feel angry and bitter which doesn’t solve anything or make anything any easier. I miss out on life’s good stuff if I stay angry and bitter.

When I look for the good, I can find it.  When I look for bad, I can find it.  I am going to look for the good.  I was able to help my grandson when he was sad.  That’s a good thing. 

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  Yes, it’s all good.

Kinship Caring: A Safety Net

Custodial grandparents provide a safey net for our grandchildren when the parent(s) are not involved with their child(ren). We know their parents. I think it helps our grandchildren that we do know the parents.  As grandparents, we can give our granchildren love, security, stability and patience perhaps more than a foster home can.  Researchers Hayslip & Kaminski (2005) made the same observation.

I do feel I am a "safety net" for my grandson.  I am my grandson’s link to knowing his mom.  Based only on my life experiences, it seems no matter how “bad” a parent is, most kids are still going to hold their mom and dad in high esteem.  My grandson is too little to understand drugs.  However, he does understand that his family loves him and that families can be made in all kinds of ways. 

The holidays went by without his mom.  Not even a phone call.  He didn’t talk about his mom being gone over the holidays.  It wasn’t until after Christmas was over and the tree was down that he mentioned her.  What he said was so sad.  “Grandma, my mom doesn’t want to see me.”

My heart ached for him.  What could I say? 

I tried to tell him (again) that when people take drugs, they forget about their family because that is what drugs do.

This time I added, “I know your mom does miss you.  I know your mom loves you.  In fact, your mom knew she might not be able to take care of you and that’s why you live with me.  She picked me to take care of you!  When you were just a baby your mom called ME to come get you because she wanted you to be with her mom.  She knew I would love you and she wants me to love you while she is gone.”

He thought about that.

“You are my mom?” he asked, trying to follow along with his little five-year old reasoning.

“Well, I am your mom’s mom and I am sort of your mom because I am your GRAND mom.” I replied.

The conversation then shifted to more serious topics, like is Spider Man stronger than the Hulk?

I know this conversation will come up again – maybe soon, maybe not.  But it will come up again.

I am the safety net for him.  That’s what kinship caregivers do.  We fill that void of the missing parent.  We make sure they know they have family who loves them.  Many will, like me, try to let their child relative know that although they are not with the parent(s), they are with family.  I think that is important. I also believe that is why we do what we do.  There is no financial incentive to be the safety net.  In fact, most kinship caregivers take a huge financial setback to raise their relative(s).  But we are family and families are made in all kinds of ways.

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Reference:

Hayslip Jr., B. & Kaminski, P. L. (2005). Grandparents raising their grandchildren: A review of the literature and suggestions for practice. The Gerontologist, (45)2, pp. 262-269.