I have joined a private group on Facebook of other kinship caregivers. Most are in the United Kingdom, but the stories are all the same – the struggles, heartbreaks, and joys of raising a relative. This has been the most beautiful thing that has happened to me since I took on the responsibility of my grandson on October 31, 2008. I have enjoyed hearing the stories of others who are going through the same things I have gone through. Although the legal system is different in the UK, we still struggle. The support I have felt is indescribable.
What kinds of things do we go through? Well, here’s a list:
1. Relatives end up raising a relative for a variety of reasons, but by far is the child(ren) has been neglected and the relative stepped in.
2. The parents continue to harass the caregiver by calling, threatening, taking the child(ren) because we have not gained a legal right to have the child (yet) but the parent(s) won’t do that and if they do, they neglect the child(ren).
3. Parents drop the child(ren) off, leave for days/weeks, and then return and want to parent.
4. Children have emotional issues from all the confusion and can have behavior problems as a result.
5. The legal system in the UK and US both do not provide financial help for relative caregivers to the extent that is needed. For instance, in Minnesota, if you become a foster parent to a relative because the child was removed from the parents, you are entitled to much more financial assistance. Yet, the “system” wants to provide permanency for the child(ren), which is great, so they will try to terminate the rights of the parent(s) and give the relative custody rights. However, when that happens, we are not told the financial implications of this change. We lose all of the financial assistance, which is desperately needed – especially by relatives who are retired and living on retirement income alone.
6. Parents are in jail, and we wonder whether to bring the children to visit or whether that would be detrimental.
7. The number of times relatives have to file neglect/abuse reports only to have the system investigate and not have enough “evidence” to remove the child.
8. Having to turn our children in to the authorities.
9. Having to help our little ones understand what the heck is going on.
10. Usually children are ages 1-5 or teenagers when they come to live with a relative. Both ages are tiring for a relative to raise, as we are older and tire more quickly.
11. Our work life is impacted by taking on the care of a relative. Some of us lose our jobs because we can’t afford daycare.
12. Our health is impacted by the ongoing stress of the situation.
13. Many lose their retirement savings, if they have one.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Here We Go Again
My daughter completed in patient treatment and a halfway house. She was discharged December 22, 2010 and came to live with me and her son. We spent six months – glorious months where she was sober and seemed to really “get it” – how to live sober.
My daughter was pregnant and she made an open adoption plan with a really great family who lives not far from me. My second grandson was born January 9, 2011. I was there for his birth.
Once my new grandson was born, my daughter started “going out” on the weekends when her son was at his father’s for the weekend. She said, “hey, I am here all week, taking care of him, getting him on the Head Start bus, making meals for him, and doing all the mom things. But on the weekend I want to be with my friends and be 25.”
Then the lying started about what she was doing on the weekends. That's when I suspected she was using again. When lyikng starts, trouble follows. I started looking for a daycare anticipating something bad coming. I know I cannot make my work schedule accommodate the Head Start bus pickup and drop off and their strict rules of ONLY picking my grandson up from our home – not even a daycare. I started interviewing licensed daycares.
On Monday, February 28, 2011 my daughter did not come home. She was to watch my grandson on the following day because there is no school on Tuesday’s for him. She text me at 7:30 pm saying she was on her way home. She didn’t come home. She didn't call. I tried calling her at 9:30 pm and she had turned her phone off. I called the daycare home I had just interviewed that night and asked if my grandson could start coming the next day.
God is good in bringing us to the right daycare home. This is my grandson’s first time/experience with daycare. He has always been in an early-learning care center, requiring the many therapies. I felt it is time for him to just be a kid and take a break from all the intense schooling he has attended the past two years.
So, that’s a brief update.
What I want to say is how angry and hurt and sad I feel. My daughter has completely devastated her son by once again disappearing. Only this time, he actually remembers his mom and misses her. The previous two years, he didn’t know of having a relationship with her. He is so frightened and anxious and sad. He follows me from room to room – including the bathroom. Although he has never had to sleep with me the past two years, he will not sleep in his room anymore and wants to sleep with me. I’ve been allowing that, understanding he has regressed in his behavior. He is back to having “meltdowns” frequently throughout the day.
I am so angry at how my daughter has hurt her son – all for drugs, and to be “25”. I am 47 and I have certain things I want to do at my age and they did not include being a fulltime parent to my grandson. Yet, I would not want him being cared for by anyone else.
I am in graduate school. This is my fourth attempt at getting my masters. I completed 10 credits and then my mom got sick with cancer and was dying so I had to drop out. The second attempt the county removed my grandson from his parents due to a drug raid in their home and he was suddenly placed in my care when he was 7 months old. The third time I learned my daughter was neglecting my grandson and I filed the order for protection on his behalf and once again dropped out because of suddenly becoming a parent to a child with significant developmental delays. I am nearly finished with my first course and I feel like, damn-it, when is it going to be MY turn to have my life?
I will not drop out again. My grandson is old enough and I he is gone on the weekends with his father so I am determined to complete my degree. I will not give up.
I just want to say (again) how frustrated and hurt I feel. I watch Oprah’s network show with the women behind the prison bars and feel like – yep, my daughter will either be there or six feet under. I feel like I need to harden my heart and keep her away. I don’t want to even hope anymore for her recovery. I feel I went out of my way for her the past six months – believing in her, when in fact she was sober because it kept her out of jail (treatment was a jail furlough) and because she was pregnant. Now that the baby is born, it’s “party time” and I feel like she has said “screw you Mom” and also says the same thing to her son.
I am very hurt and very angry and very sad. I know this will pass, but I don’t think my daughter will ever comprehend the amount of hurt and pain she created by walking out on her family – again.
My daughter was pregnant and she made an open adoption plan with a really great family who lives not far from me. My second grandson was born January 9, 2011. I was there for his birth.
Once my new grandson was born, my daughter started “going out” on the weekends when her son was at his father’s for the weekend. She said, “hey, I am here all week, taking care of him, getting him on the Head Start bus, making meals for him, and doing all the mom things. But on the weekend I want to be with my friends and be 25.”
Then the lying started about what she was doing on the weekends. That's when I suspected she was using again. When lyikng starts, trouble follows. I started looking for a daycare anticipating something bad coming. I know I cannot make my work schedule accommodate the Head Start bus pickup and drop off and their strict rules of ONLY picking my grandson up from our home – not even a daycare. I started interviewing licensed daycares.
On Monday, February 28, 2011 my daughter did not come home. She was to watch my grandson on the following day because there is no school on Tuesday’s for him. She text me at 7:30 pm saying she was on her way home. She didn’t come home. She didn't call. I tried calling her at 9:30 pm and she had turned her phone off. I called the daycare home I had just interviewed that night and asked if my grandson could start coming the next day.
God is good in bringing us to the right daycare home. This is my grandson’s first time/experience with daycare. He has always been in an early-learning care center, requiring the many therapies. I felt it is time for him to just be a kid and take a break from all the intense schooling he has attended the past two years.
So, that’s a brief update.
What I want to say is how angry and hurt and sad I feel. My daughter has completely devastated her son by once again disappearing. Only this time, he actually remembers his mom and misses her. The previous two years, he didn’t know of having a relationship with her. He is so frightened and anxious and sad. He follows me from room to room – including the bathroom. Although he has never had to sleep with me the past two years, he will not sleep in his room anymore and wants to sleep with me. I’ve been allowing that, understanding he has regressed in his behavior. He is back to having “meltdowns” frequently throughout the day.
I am so angry at how my daughter has hurt her son – all for drugs, and to be “25”. I am 47 and I have certain things I want to do at my age and they did not include being a fulltime parent to my grandson. Yet, I would not want him being cared for by anyone else.
I am in graduate school. This is my fourth attempt at getting my masters. I completed 10 credits and then my mom got sick with cancer and was dying so I had to drop out. The second attempt the county removed my grandson from his parents due to a drug raid in their home and he was suddenly placed in my care when he was 7 months old. The third time I learned my daughter was neglecting my grandson and I filed the order for protection on his behalf and once again dropped out because of suddenly becoming a parent to a child with significant developmental delays. I am nearly finished with my first course and I feel like, damn-it, when is it going to be MY turn to have my life?
I will not drop out again. My grandson is old enough and I he is gone on the weekends with his father so I am determined to complete my degree. I will not give up.
I just want to say (again) how frustrated and hurt I feel. I watch Oprah’s network show with the women behind the prison bars and feel like – yep, my daughter will either be there or six feet under. I feel like I need to harden my heart and keep her away. I don’t want to even hope anymore for her recovery. I feel I went out of my way for her the past six months – believing in her, when in fact she was sober because it kept her out of jail (treatment was a jail furlough) and because she was pregnant. Now that the baby is born, it’s “party time” and I feel like she has said “screw you Mom” and also says the same thing to her son.
I am very hurt and very angry and very sad. I know this will pass, but I don’t think my daughter will ever comprehend the amount of hurt and pain she created by walking out on her family – again.
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