Shame, shame, shame

Sometimes I feel ashamed I am raising my grandson. After all, there is that saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  Ouch.

Sometimes I think it’s my “fault” that my daughter is an addict and not raising her son.

Maybe I didn’t do enough or did too much.  Maybe I should have tried harder or prayed more.  Maybe, because I had my own issues to deal with in life, I created her problems. All the maybe’s……

I was not a fabulous parent.  I sure wasn’t Betty Crocker.  But I did not neglect my children, never provide for them or ever stop loving them.  I also know when it comes to trying to be a good parent, I did do my best with what I knew how to do at the time. 

When my daughter was just a toddler I knew there was something not quite right with her behavior.  I didn’t know what that something was, but I tried my hardest to figure it out and get her help.  By the time she was five years old, I was driving two hours away for her to see a child psychologist.  It didn’t help.

This was back in the late 80’s.  Therapists were not diagnosing kids with ADD, ADHD, oppositional defiance, or obsessive/compulsive behavior.  Yet, by the time she was into her “tweens”, she was diagnosed (labeled) with all of these, plus depressed, anxious, bipolar, borderline personality disorder and more.  By the time she was 18 she qualified for government disability payments.

By the time she was 18, she was already an addict.

My daughter has an addiction – not a parenting problem.  Alanon has a saying that I tell myself often:  I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it.  Sometimes I have to replay that statement over and over in my mind.

Shakespeare suggested, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”  I practice watching my thoughts and choose to focus on what is right rather than what is wrong. When I get down, I get a piece of paper and write out what I am grateful for.  This action of purposeful redirection of my thoughts helps me. It only takes only a couple minutes to jot down a list. Making a list stops my anxieties from getting the best of me.

Today I am not concerned if “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  I am a good tree!

I am a grandma raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Boundaries with Family

Today the topic is boundaries. I have not always had very good boundaries throughout my life.  I have to make very conscious efforts to have boundaries.  My first reaction is to always want to defend myself in retaliation to hurtful words.  I get busy trying to make my point or defend myself.  It never occurred to me there are other options – like having boundaries.

My daughter posted a photo of herself yesterday on Facebook.  She has lost a lot of weight and hair – side effects of meth. 

I saw the picture and I saw all the “likes” people were giving the photo. How do people give a “thumbs up” to people who are killing themselves from drug use, who have lost their families to their drug addiction?

One “friend” on her Facebook page commented she didn’t look so good.  I agreed, so I entered a comment that she doesn’t look good, gave the number for Teen Challenge – a treatment center – and wrote I hope she will call them.  In response, she replied, “Can’t you ever say anything nice?” and added several hurtful, spiteful comments.  The words were vulgar and included profanity.  I guess she really wanted to make a point.....

Quite suddenly I realized I don’t have to take this!  I did something I never would have thought to do in the past.  I unsubscribed from her on Facebook. 

Oh that was hard!  Following my daughter on Facebook has been my only method to know she is even alive.  Yet, I finally have enough sense to know I don’t need to be called names by anyone – including my daughter.  

This is the sad truth of raising a relative whose parent(s) are lost in drug addiction. We hope for the best, we say prayers for their wellbeing. We worry. In the end, it’s out of our control. I can focus on what is possible – to take good care of her son and my grandson, raise him with love, and do my best to help hep him know the good things about his mom.  My daughter is not all bad.  She is very sick, caught up in meth addiction. It is not her we don't like or get angry with.  It's meth.

A mentor once told me the more I try to “help”, the more I am telling my God that I don’t trust He will care for her.  It is not my job to be her “Higher Power”.  Thinking about that has helped me.

It’s in God’s hands, not mine.  He knows the big picture, not me.  He will keep her safe or bring her home.  Meanwhile, I will stay focused and what I can do – love the family and friends who are here.

Accepting the Seemingly Unacceptable

In a fellowship I belong to, there is a saying “acceptance is key to everything”.  The longer we fight accepting something, the longer we stay stuck or miserable. I find it is so hard to accept things I just don’t want to accept.  The past three years were very difficult raising my grandson.  I could not or would not accept the situation was not a temporary situation.

I thought when I got my grandson surely it would be my daughter’s “bottom” and she would go to treatment, get well and he would go back to her.  That’s what a “good” parent does, right? It didn’t happen.

I next thought that surely his dad would raise him since he has been actively “involved” with his son since I got him.  That didn’t happen and he doesn’t want to fulltime parent.

A year ago I finally went to see a counselor.  She has been a big help, guiding me through my feelings.  I have finally come to true acceptance.  I am a permanent “parent” and will be raising my grandson. 

It is good to come to peace with this.  I don’t know why it took three years to get here.  I suppose in my selfishness, I wanted MY life back.  I didn’t want to deal with developmental delays, occupational therapies, speech therapies, physical therapies, high daycare bills, doctor appointments, meltdowns, bedtimes, potty training.  It felt like I was going backwards with my life instead of forward.

Finally I am at peace with the situation.  I can let myself enjoy the moments, instead of waiting for the moments to end and have my life back.  I laugh again more instead of cry.

One thing my counselor told me is that it will get easier as my grandson gets older.  She is right.  Now that he is five, can talk in a way I can understand, it is easier.  Sometimes he regresses in his behavior, like after his mom left again.  Yet, when he does, I know it’s just a temporary situation.  I can finally truly enjoy him.  Yes, he still has delays in his development, but he has come so far.

How nice it feels to accept what I thought I would never be able to accept – I am raising my grandson.  I am one of over two million other relatives raising a relative.  We are so brave and courageous.  We are loyal to our families.  I feel good about that now, and at peace.  Finally.

Acceptance is key to everything.  Acceptance is not saying you like something, agree with something.  It is just saying I am okay with this.

Remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”?  I think it takes a family to raise a child.  I am grateful today for my family. 

I am a grandparent raising my grandson.  It’s all good.

Books For Our Kids

Here are some books that may be helpful for our kids. I do not claim to have read them, but some of them sound very good. See what you think. Check if your library has them or try Amazon.

Author: Martha Whitmore Hickman
Title: Robert Lives With His Grandparents: A Concept Book
Ages: 4 - 8
Date: 1995
Robert’s parents are divorced, and he lives with his grandparents. When his grandmother decides to attend Parent’s Day at his school, he is afraid of what the other kids will think of him.

Author: Jeanne Warren Lindsay
Title: Do I Have a Daddy?
Ages: 4 – 8
Date: 1991
A read aloud book to help caregivers respond to children’s questions about a parent they have never seen.

Author: Tololwa Mollel
Title: Kele’s Secret
Ages: Elementary School – picture book
Date: 1997
A young African boy who lives with his grandparents on their coffee farm follows their hen in order to find out where she is hiding her eggs.

Author: Cindy Klein Cohen and John T. Heiney
Title: Daddy’s Promise
Ages: 4 – 8
Date: 1997
Addresses all the different feelings children may have as they grieve a loved one. (Available through bookstores or amazon.com)


Author: Brigitte Weninger
Title: Good-Bye Daddy!
Ages: 4 – 9
Date: 1995
After spending the day with his daddy, a young bear is sad and angry that his father has to leave. The bear comes to learn that even when a father lives in another home, the love and caring never go away.

Author: Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
Title: Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families
Ages: 5 – 10
Date: 1986
Dinosaur characters depict the range of experiences and feelings encountered by children of divorced parents.

Author: Elizabeth Weitzman
Title: Let’s Talk About When A Parent Dies
Ages: 5 - 9
Date: 1996
Gives advice on surviving the death of a parent and suggests what feelings and behaviors to expect from others.

Author: Jill Krementz
Title: How It Feels When a Parent Dies
Ages: 8 – 13
Date: 1981
Children, ages seven through sixteen, tell how it feels to lose a parent through death.

Author: Maureen K. Wittbold
Title: Let’s talk About When a Parent is in Jail
Ages: Early Elementary
Date: 1997
Discusses why jail exits, why people go to jail and how to deal with a person in jail.

Author: Jill Hastings and Marion Typpo
Title: An Elephant in the Living Room: the Children’s
Book and An Elephant in the Living Room: a
Leader’s Guide for Helping Children of Alcoholics
Ages: 4 – 8 and their caregivers
Date: 1994
These books help children from alcoholic homes learn about addiction and teach new ways to handle their feelings.


Author: Ruth White
Title: Belle Prater’s Boy
Ages: Young Adult - fiction
Date: 1996
When Woodrow’s mother disappears suddenly, he moves to his grandparent’s home in a small Virginia town. He befriends his cousin and together they find the strength to face the terrible losses and fears in their lives.

Depression and kinship caring

As I read research about the health and wellbeing of kinship caregivers, I learn there is an increase in health problems that are seemingly related to caring for our relative. Although I do have bouts with depression, I would not tie the problem exclusively to being a kinship caregiver. I wonder how researchers make that leap.

When a relative takes on the “parenting” role for a relative, there typically is a traumatic life event that has happened – for both the child(ren) and the relative caregiver. The first time my grandson was placed with me, it was because a drug raid took place at his parents’ home. I received a call from my daughter asking me to take her son or he would go to foster care. I had less than a minute to make this decision! And that is a big decision to make. I was trying to process what she was telling me – the police were at her home, they were looking for drugs, she was going to jail, and a social worker was taking her son! That is a lot of information to take in!

I quickly agreed to take my grandson, but I had no idea at that time what that decision would mean.

Was I depressed? Of course I was! My daughter was arrested, my grandson was with me on a fulltime basis, and there were many uncertainties to figure out. How would I continue working fulltime in a job I just started three weeks before the phone call? How would I afford to buy formula, diapers, and clothing? Where would I get help to pay daycare that was over $200 per week for an “infant”? Who would help? Would I qualify for any help?

My point is, dramatic life events such as this one are bound to impact the emotional well-being of anyone! Was my depression or sadness from caring for my grandson or was it due to trying to process everything that was happening and making very big adjustments to my day-to-day life as I knew it? I think it is both and tying my depression exclusively to raising my grandson is not a true statement.

I also have to wonder how the age of the kinship caregiver plays into the health issues. Wouldn’t it make sense that going through such a traumatic event would make any current health issue flare up? I know when I am feeling a lot of stress my rheumatoid arthritis flares up significantly. If a kinship caregiver is older and has health issues related to the normal aging process, wouldn’t they flare up?

I suppose there is truth stating our health suffers, but it seems a bit misleading. Older people generally do have aging health concerns. Stress can make them flare up. Is the source of the stress raising a child or is it grieving the loss of the parent. After all, it is not only the child who lost a parent, but in my case, I lost my daughter to drug addiction and honestly, I miss her too.

Kinship Care Challenges

I have joined a private group on Facebook of other kinship caregivers. Most are in the United Kingdom, but the stories are all the same – the struggles, heartbreaks, and joys of raising a relative. This has been the most beautiful thing that has happened to me since I took on the responsibility of my grandson on October 31, 2008. I have enjoyed hearing the stories of others who are going through the same things I have gone through. Although the legal system is different in the UK, we still struggle. The support I have felt is indescribable.

What kinds of things do we go through? Well, here’s a list:

1. Relatives end up raising a relative for a variety of reasons, but by far is the child(ren) has been neglected and the relative stepped in.

2. The parents continue to harass the caregiver by calling, threatening, taking the child(ren) because we have not gained a legal right to have the child (yet) but the parent(s) won’t do that and if they do, they neglect the child(ren).

3. Parents drop the child(ren) off, leave for days/weeks, and then return and want to parent.

4. Children have emotional issues from all the confusion and can have behavior problems as a result.

5. The legal system in the UK and US both do not provide financial help for relative caregivers to the extent that is needed. For instance, in Minnesota, if you become a foster parent to a relative because the child was removed from the parents, you are entitled to much more financial assistance. Yet, the “system” wants to provide permanency for the child(ren), which is great, so they will try to terminate the rights of the parent(s) and give the relative custody rights. However, when that happens, we are not told the financial implications of this change. We lose all of the financial assistance, which is desperately needed – especially by relatives who are retired and living on retirement income alone.

6. Parents are in jail, and we wonder whether to bring the children to visit or whether that would be detrimental.

7. The number of times relatives have to file neglect/abuse reports only to have the system investigate and not have enough “evidence” to remove the child.

8. Having to turn our children in to the authorities.

9. Having to help our little ones understand what the heck is going on.

10. Usually children are ages 1-5 or teenagers when they come to live with a relative. Both ages are tiring for a relative to raise, as we are older and tire more quickly.

11. Our work life is impacted by taking on the care of a relative. Some of us lose our jobs because we can’t afford daycare.

12. Our health is impacted by the ongoing stress of the situation.

13. Many lose their retirement savings, if they have one.

Here We Go Again

My daughter completed in patient treatment and a halfway house. She was discharged December 22, 2010 and came to live with me and her son. We spent six months – glorious months where she was sober and seemed to really “get it” – how to live sober.

My daughter was pregnant and she made an open adoption plan with a really great family who lives not far from me. My second grandson was born January 9, 2011. I was there for his birth. 

Once my new grandson was born, my daughter started “going out” on the weekends when her son was at his father’s for the weekend. She said, “hey, I am here all week, taking care of him, getting him on the Head Start bus, making meals for him, and doing all the mom things. But on the weekend I want to be with my friends and be 25.”

Then the lying started about what she was doing on the weekends. That's when I suspected she was using again. When lyikng starts, trouble follows. I started looking for a daycare anticipating something bad coming. I know I cannot make my work schedule accommodate the Head Start bus pickup and drop off and their strict rules of ONLY picking my grandson up from our home – not even a daycare. I started interviewing licensed daycares.

On Monday, February 28, 2011 my daughter did not come home. She was to watch my grandson on the following day because there is no school on Tuesday’s for him. She text me at 7:30 pm saying she was on her way home. She didn’t come home. She didn't call. I tried calling her at 9:30 pm and she had turned her phone off. I called the daycare home I had just interviewed that night and asked if my grandson could start coming the next day.

God is good in bringing us to the right daycare home. This is my grandson’s first time/experience with daycare. He has always been in an early-learning care center, requiring the many therapies. I felt it is time for him to just be a kid and take a break from all the intense schooling he has attended the past two years. 


So, that’s a brief update.

What I want to say is how angry and hurt and sad I feel. My daughter has completely devastated her son by once again disappearing. Only this time, he actually remembers his mom and misses her. The previous two years, he didn’t know of having a relationship with her. He is so frightened and anxious and sad. He follows me from room to room – including the bathroom. Although he has never had to sleep with me the past two years, he will not sleep in his room anymore and wants to sleep with me. I’ve been allowing that, understanding he has regressed in his behavior. He is back to having “meltdowns” frequently throughout the day.

I am so angry at how my daughter has hurt her son – all for drugs, and to be “25”. I am 47 and I have certain things I want to do at my age and they did not include being a fulltime parent to my grandson. Yet, I would not want him being cared for by anyone else.

I am in graduate school. This is my fourth attempt at getting my masters. I completed 10 credits and then my mom got sick with cancer and was dying so I had to drop out. The second attempt the county removed my grandson from his parents due to a drug raid in their home and he was suddenly placed in my care when he was 7 months old. The third time I learned my daughter was neglecting my grandson and I filed the order for protection on his behalf and once again dropped out because of suddenly becoming a parent to a child with significant developmental delays. I am nearly finished with my first course and I feel like, damn-it, when is it going to be MY turn to have my life?
I will not drop out again. My grandson is old enough and I he is gone on the weekends with his father so I am determined to complete my degree. I will not give up.

I just want to say (again) how frustrated and hurt I feel. I watch Oprah’s network show with the women behind the prison bars and feel like – yep, my daughter will either be there or six feet under. I feel like I need to harden my heart and keep her away. I don’t want to even hope anymore for her recovery. I feel I went out of my way for her the past six months – believing in her, when in fact she was sober because it kept her out of jail (treatment was a jail furlough) and because she was pregnant. Now that the baby is born, it’s “party time” and I feel like she has said “screw you Mom” and also says the same thing to her son.

I am very hurt and very angry and very sad. I know this will pass, but I don’t think my daughter will ever comprehend the amount of hurt and pain she created by walking out on her family – again.